[Jokes] Public Warnings

[Clare McKenna]

Hi, this was sent to be by a friend, and it's not one
for weak stomachs, I really felt sick reading some of
this.
Love Clare-x-

PUBLIC WARNING ONE:  Tampons ain't Cool
About 7 am on August 25th 1998, thirty-six year old
Mrs Sarah Jenson 
started her period. By the time she arrived at work an
hour later, she 
had started to experience a chronic itching sensation
in her crotch. 
Sarah worked as an advisor in a call centre and had
recently received a 
final warning about her poor attendance record. To
keep her job, she tried 
to ignore the itch and got on with answering customers
calls.

At 11:25am she reported to her boss that she suffering
from severe 
abdominal pain and it was only when she collapsed in
her own vomit that he 
called for an ambulance. She was admitted to the
Lincoln spital,
Texas where doctors discovered that her vagina was
greatly swollen and 
her labia had distended to three times normal size.
Whilst cleaning the 
inflamed area, a tampon was found and it was sent away
for analysis.

Suspecting Toxic Shock Syndrome, Sarah was kept under
close observation 
until her condition was no longer critical. One week
later the Lab 
results on the tampon arrived and doctors were baffled
to find that it 
contained traces of wasp venom. It transpires that
Sarah was having an 
affair with her aerobics instructor, and when her
husband Mr Henry Jenson 
found out, he was so enraged he wanted revenge. 

Knowing his wife was allergic to insect stings, he
purchased wasp venom 
through a biochemical company. He lightly coated his
wifes tampons with 
the venom, resealed the individual wrappers and
replaced them in their 
box. Mrs Jenson has filed for a divorce and a case of
grievously bodily 
harm. Mr Jenson is reported as saying, "I just wanted
her to have a 
swell time without me."


Public Warning Two:  Last time I go to Africa!!

In March 1997, Brian Crenshaw, a chemical engineer
from West London,
returned to the UK after spending the previous six
months overseeing 
work at a petrochemicals plant in Nigeria. During his
first week back, 
his wife complained that he seemed to have difficulty
listening properly. 
Brian suggested that his ears had not fully recovered
from the air 
pressure changes experienced during his flight. Over
the next two weeks, 
Brian s condition worsened as he started to feel
tickling sensations deep 
in his ears. Thinking the trouble was caused by
loosened ear wax, he 
attempted to clean his ears with a ballpoint pen. When
he pressed it into 
his right ear, he heard a cracking sound and saw the
pen covered in a 
yellow goo. He went to his local GP claiming had
punctured his ear drum. 
The GP reached into Brian s right ear with a
pair of tweezers and pulled out what appeared to be an
insect antenna.
During the examination Brian was horrified to learn
that he had a total
of 5 African cockroaches living in his head. Four
cockroaches were 
alive
and one cockroach was dead, presumably crushed by
Brian s pen attack. 
An investigation revealed that when Brian was in
Nigeria, a female 
African cockroach must have laid numerous eggs in the
toiletries bag where 
he kept his cotton buds. When he was cleaning his
ears, he was also 
transferring the cockroach eggs to his inner ear where
they started 
tohatch.


Public Warning Three:  If Damo don't stop it'll happen
to him too!

On September 4 1999 at 9.30 am Ron Guptey of N.S.W
Australia went
into hospital complaining of severe pain in the rectum
area. The doctor 
on call examined him, he found severe swelling around
the anus but was
left puzzled because he had not seen such a thing
before. Two more 
doctors examined and they too were left confused about
what was happening.

Ron s health was deteriorating as the day wore on, he
developed a fever 
and was suffering a lot of pain around his abdomen.
The doctors gave 
pain killers but the symptoms worsened until 2.57 pm
when he lapsed into 
a coma and 2 hours later was pronounced dead. An
investigation was led 
to discover the reason of death.

During the post mortem, traces of wood bark were found
inside the
rectal passage, but as the examination went further
the doctor 
discovered about 3 or 4 black widow spiders in Ron s
intestine. The police 
found a tree with a cut of branch along the side in
Ron s back yard, there 
were traces of KY jelly and traces of rectal juices
along the branch. 
There was also Black widow egg shells found inside the
bark. Ron was 
apparently satisfying himself with this tree stump,
but failed to
notice the black widow nest on the tree. During his
sexual act he had
impregnated himself with the black widow eggs. The
eggs had embedded in 
his rectal passage walls and were kept at the required
temperature for 
the eggs to develop and finally hatch. Once the baby
spiders were 
hatched they had bitten him and had poisoned him from
the inside.


Public Warning Four:  How Funny/Fucked Up is This?

Susy DeLucci and the Miracle of Life.

One morning around 5am 22 year old Susan DaLucci of
Kittery Maine,
woke up with a painful need to urinate. At first she
thought she had
diarrhoea, but when she stood up out of bed, she
realised that it was 
urinary pain.

It was very similar to the feeling of having
diarrhoea, just out the 
wrong hole. She wobbled to the toilet and upon sitting
on it, her vagina
erupted into the most horrific messy farting noise
anyone has ever
heard. In paralysing pain, Ms. DeLucci for the next
few minutes 
continued to push and squirt out of her vagina a
burning tide of wretch and 
filth while she gripped the sides of the toilet,
white-knuckled. She was 
screaming wildly, and the neighbours called the
police. When medics 
arrived they found Ms. DeNucci unconscious lying on
the floor of
her bathroom wearing nothing but her bath robe.
Running down her leg, 
was a stream of brown and green syrup. The medic had
to transfer her to 
a stretcher, so he grabbed her left leg which was bent
crossing her
other leg, to straighten her out. She was lying there
all twisted up. 

When he lifted her left leg to straighten her body
out, he exposed her
vagina at which point a creature, no larger than the
tip of a finger 
wormed its way out of her genitals and landed on the
floor with a wet 
popping sound.

Shocked, the medic stared at the creature that was
lying on the tile
bathroom floor in a casing of mucous. It was a tiny
mud shrimp and
it sat there on the cold floor gasping for water while
flipping itself 
back and forth.

The horrified medic turned to the toilet as he felt
the nausea setting 
in. When he put his face down into the toilet to puke
what he saw was 
so horrific that to this day he cannot look into a
toilet without 
convulsing.

The entire toilet bowl was boiling with baby brown mud
shrimp flipping
and splashing at a furious pace.  If you think that is
bad - wait until 
you hear how it happened: Ms.DeLucci official death
was the result of a 
combination of shock and severe head trauma. She stood
up over the 
toilet in pain and when she saw what she had done, she
went into shock and 
fell, smashing her head on the toilet and then on the
floor.
It is believed by medical police that on two nights
before the accident
she had purchased a live lobster at a fish market.
While lying in a
tub, she gently inserted the creature's tail into her
vagina to derive
pleasure.

At that point, she held a lighter under the creature's
face causing
it to flip its tail in a violent snapping motion. The
medics found a 
lesbian XXX video in the VCR and the TV was positioned
on a table in 
front of
the tub.

The lobster was found in the kitchen garbage can
wrapped in a paper
bag. Traces of Ms. DeLucci's DNA were found on the
lobster along with
pubic hairs that had wedged themselves between the
lobster tail joints.
The lobster's face was lightly burned with the same
fuel used in 
lighters.
The lobster's digestive track and colon were found to
be full of mud 
shrimp egg casings. Doctors believe that the lobster
had eaten them (they 
are common in the water at fish markets and are
usually harmlessly 
boiled to death) and the lobster had crapped them out
into Ms. DeLucci's 
c**t when she was torturing it. Maine mud shrimp only
take two days to 
gestate and Ms. DeLucci was only four days away from
getting her period, 
doctors believe that at that point of her menstrual
cycle, her womb was 
the perfect PH balance to grow these mud shrimp which
are a much larger 
version of the popular "Sea Monkey" pets sold
throughout the US. Over 
night the eggs had hatched and the mud shrimp began
doubling in size 
every ten minutes.

You can imagine the pain she was in when she woke up
that morning
and gave birth to well over 1,000 mud shrimp in her
toilet.




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