[Jokes] Old Joke Collective

[Justin Mitchell]

The old ones are still the oldest...



---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted

---------------------------------------------------------------------
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

---------------------------------------------------------------------
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Laura walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under her arm and
says: "Vodka and tonic please, and one for the road."

---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts.
A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?' The
man says "A premature ejaculation". "What?" says the
woman. The man says "I've just come in my pants."

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to
Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't
believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for
shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. 
One says, "I think I've lost an electron." 
The other says, "Are you sure?" 
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Answer phone message 
 "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before

---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him? " Well," says the vet, "let's
have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,
then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put
him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's
really heavy"

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum
or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother
Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camoflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the
steaks are too high.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor
replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

---------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that
you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?"
asks the doc. "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies
the man "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

---------------------------------------------------------------------