[Jokes] FW: The 5 Stages of Drunkenness
CFry at BlitzGames.com
Thu Aug 29 15:55:33 BST 2002
Thought this was quite amusing :)
> -----Original Message-----
> From: cwarwick
> Sent: Thursday, August 29, 2002 3:50 PM
> To: hcalder; bwilliams; cfry; jtassell; lfriberg; mash;
> mhardisty; mhayward; pdrinkwater; rakhtar; rgrant;
> sbaskerville; sdavidson; ssmith
> Subject: The 5 Stages of Drunkenness
> THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS
> Stage 1 - CLEVER
> This is when you suddenly become an expert on everysubject in
> the known universe. You KNOW you know everything and you
> wantto pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At
> this stage you are always RIGHT. And, of course, the person
> you are talking to is very WRONG.
> This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.
> Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
> This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person
> in the Entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to
> a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really
> want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER,
> so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
> Stage 3 - RICH
> This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the
> world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have
> an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You
> can also make bets at this stage, because of course you are
> still CLEVER so, naturally, you will win all your bets. It
> doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You
> will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you
> are now the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
> Stage 4 - BULLET-PROOF
> You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone
> especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.
> This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can
> also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and
> challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear
> of losing this battle, because you are CLEVER you're RICH and
> Hell you're BETTER LOOKING than them anyway!
> Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
> This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can
> do anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You can dance on a
> table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of
> the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snog the
> face off them because the rest of the people in the room
> cannot see you. You are also INVISIBLE to the person who
> wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing
> at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you
> and because you're still CLEVER you know ALL the words.
> THE FIVE STAGES OF HANGOVERS
> Stage 1 - Stupid
> As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy a flood of
> sensations only dimly remembered from previous hangovers,
> such as the neumatic drill headache, cloying nausea and
> Guinness/Tetley's/Bailey's/(add tipple most consumed night
> before). two-step, you realise that you have lost not only
> several hours of your life but the ability to concentrate on
> anything. You are now officially stupid and will probably
> stay stupid until you get onto your third bacon sandwich.
> Stage 2 - Ugly
> Never entirely happy with the comic effects of the bathroom
> mirror first thing you are horrified to discover that you
> have now become even less attractive than you thought
> previously possible. Not only has the combined effect of the
> booze and smoky/sweaty atmosphere given you a glorious
> collection of spots but you've either left your makeup on
> over-night or are shaking so much that you now look like
> you've shaved with a sanding block! Unfortunately you are
> still too stupid to know better than to try and shave whilst
> shaking or to remember the necessary beauty tips to paper
> over the cracks.
> Stage 3 - Poor
> Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to
> shamble out the door when you discover that the money you got
> from the cash point stupid, you have no idea what happened to
> it but the smell of curry on your coat/duvet leads you to
> suspect that you may have treated an entire rugby team to
> curry and lagers at some point. Alternatively your pocket
> will have been picked or you will have given the taxi driver
> a 20/50? note by mistake. Rationalising that you couldn't
> possibly have been that stupid and that you would remember
> being mugged, you come to believe that you were the only one
> who bought any drinks all night and start to loathe all humanity.
> Stage 4 - Made of Glass
> As you are now a stupid, ugly and poor sociopath, you embody
> most of the characteristics you hate in other people and your
> self respect plummets. Your already fragile physical
> condition is made worse by this until you think you are
> likely to melt or shatter if handled at all roughly.
> Stage 5 - Circus Freak
> Luckily, any non-hungover person can spot this condition and
> its cause from a great distance. Even better, they know that
> they can complete your misery by parading you in front of
> your colleagues/family/friends, shouting at you and insisting
> that you drink things with whole eggs and Worcestershire
> sauce in or eat greasy food as "its the only thing that will
> make you feel better". You are too stupid to know where to
> hide and too conspicuously ugly to get away with it, too poor
> to buy Alka-Seltzer and too fragile to hit them.
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