[Jokes] Disorder In Court

[Richard Bytheway]

These questions and answers are from a book called 'Disorder in the Court' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. 

Q: Are you sexually active? 
A: No, I just lie there. 
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Q: What is your date of birth? 
A: July fifteenth. 
Q: What year? 
A: Every year. 
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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? 
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. 
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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? 
A: Yes. 
Q: And in what way does it affect your memory? 
A: I forget. 
Q: Your forget. Can you give and example of something that you've forgotten? 
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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? 
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. 
Q: How long has he lived with you? 
A: Forty-five years. 
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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? 
A: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' 
Q: And why did that upset you? 
A: My name is Susan. 
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Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? 
A: We both do 
Q: Voodoo? 
A: We do. 
Q: You do? 
A: Yes, voodoo. 
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Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? 
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Q: The youngest son, the twenty-one year old, how old is he? 
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Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? 
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Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 
A: Yes. 
Q: And what were you doing at that time? 
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Q: She had three children , right? 
A: Yes. 
Q: How many were boys? 
A: None. 
Q: Were there any girls? 
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Q: How was your first marriage terminated? 
A: By death. 
Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 
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Q: Can you describe the individual? 
A: He was about medium height and has a beard. 
Q: Was this a male, or a female? 
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Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice that I sent to your attorney? 
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 
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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? 
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. 
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Q: All your responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to? 
A: Oral 
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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 
A: The autopsy started around 8:20p.m. 
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? 
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. 
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Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? 
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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 
A: No. 
Q: Did you check for blood pressure? 
A: No. 
Q: Did you check for breathing? 
A: No. 
Q: So, then is it possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 
A: No 
Q: How can you be sure, Doctor? 
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 
A: Yes, it is possible he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.