[Jokes] Fw: Church Bulletins (many new ones)

[Chris McKenna]

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced 
in church services:

* Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the 
church.  So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

* Bertha Belch, a missionary fromAfrica, will be speaking tonight at 
Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way fromAfrica.

* The cost of the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

* The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."  The sermon 
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

* Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.  It's a chance to get rid of 
those things not worth keeping around the house.  Don't forget your 
husbands.

* The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a 
conflict.

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.  Smile at 
someone who is hard to love.  Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care 
much about you.

* Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

* During the evening service Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass 
this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a 
nursery downstairs.

* Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.  They need all the 
help they can get.

* Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more 
transfusions.  She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of 
Pastor Bill's sermons.

* The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will 
sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.  
Music will follow.

* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is 
Hell?"  Come early and listen to our choir practice.

* Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of 
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be 
recycled.  Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased 
person you want remembered.

* Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy 
lunch.

* The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment 
and gracious hostility.

* Potluck supper Sunday at5:00 PM- prayer and medication to follow.

* The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.  They 
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

* This evening at7 PMthere will be a hymn singing in the park across 
from the Church.  Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

* Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at10 AM.  All ladies 
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

* The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would 
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

* Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at7 PMPlease use the 
back door.

* The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the 
Church basement Friday at7 PM.  The congregation is invited to attend 
this tragedy.

* Weight Watchers will meet at7 PMat the First Presbyterian Church.  
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

* The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign 
slogan last Sunday:  "I Upped My Pledge ? Up Yours."