[Jokes] Rules For Bank Robbers (fwd)
cmckenna at sucs.org
Wed Oct 20 09:09:17 BST 2004
Chris 'Awkward' McKenna
cmckenna at sucs.org
The essential things in life are seen not with the eyes,
but with the heart
Antoine de Saint Exupery
---------- Forwarded message ----------
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated
and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who
apparently don't know the first thing about their business.
For instance it is reported that in spite of the widespread use of
surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent
never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range
plans for concealing the loot.
Thus, this advice is offered to would-be bank robbers, along with examples
of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:
1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the
fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in
business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too
familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making
his getaway. She turned him in.
2. Approach the right teller. Granted, this is harder to plan. One teller in
Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the
street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police
car, and the police picked him up. Another teller was given a holdup note by
a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the
ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back
of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an
envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East
Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's
signature and account number.
4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to
hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where
he showed them his "weapon."
5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note
saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope." The
teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.
6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment
on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it
accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture. Bank
robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing
stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in
drawing attention to themselves.
7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who
took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove
up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered
the security men money.
8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's
car, which she carefully described to police in 'minute' detail. This
resulted in the most quickly-solved bank robbery in the history of
9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs, stuffing
the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, not to mention
severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in San Diego and Boston
painfully discovered the hard way.
10. Consider another line of work. One nervous criminal in Swansea, Mass.,
fainted when the teller told him she had no money. He was still unconscious
when the police arrived.
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