[Jokes] Best of Edinburgh

[Matt Hawkins]

A selection of the best jokes from the Edinburgh Comedy Fringe Festival:

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I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

Marcus Brigstocke

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Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

Jimmy Carr

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The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

Chris Addison

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My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

Patrick Monahan

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The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh***ing herself.

Colin & Fergus

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My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

Susan Murray

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Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

Adam Bloom

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You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?"

And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ..Self-raising?"

Addy Van-Der-Borgh

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The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.

Jeremy Limb

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I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

Mark Watson

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Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

Demetri Martin

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A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".

The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?

The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".

Steven Alan Green

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I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"

Norman Lovett

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It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

Chris Addison

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I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.

Arnold Brown

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If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

Milton Jones

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Manic