[Jokes] Fwd: Sound medical advise

[Dom Rushbrook]

Begin forwarded message:
>  
> Subject: Sound medical advise
>  
> HEALTH QUESTION& ANSWER SESSION
>
>  Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this 
> true?
>
>  A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't 
> waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up 
> your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can 
> extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? 
> Take a nap.
>
>
>  Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
>
>  A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay 
> and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more 
> than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. 
> Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass 
> (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your 
> recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
>
>
>  Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
>
>  A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, 
> that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even 
> more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms 
> up!
>
>
>  Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
>
>  A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to 
> one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
>
>
>  Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular 
> exercise program?
>
>  A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No 
> Pain...Good!
>
>
>  Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
>
>  A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable 
> oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more 
> vegetables be bad for you?
>
>
>  Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the 
> middle?
>
>  A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You 
> should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
>
>
>  Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
>
>  A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the 
> best feel-good food around!
>
>
>  Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
>
>  A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
>
>
>  Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
>
>  A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
>
>
>  Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had 
> about food and diets.
>
>  And remember:
>
>  "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of 
> arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather 
> to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other 
> - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming Whoo what a 
> ride".
>
>   _____