[Jokes] Misprints

[Steve Hill]

News in Brief

The Irish Stammerers' Association will hold a seminar will hold a seminar 
entitled 'Aids for Stammerers' tonight. (The Irish Press)

People in Preston ward are invited to a meeting at 7.15pm tonight in St Mary's 
Church Hall, Brighton, to meet councillors and beat police officers. (Evening 
Argus)

The skeleton was believed to be that of a Saxon worrier. (Express and Echo)

Concert promoters MCP have donated three pairs of tickets for the Princes Hall 
show. All you have to do is answer the following question: With which band did 
Midge (Ure) have his first number one hit in 1976? Answers to: Ultravox 
Competition, The News, 4, High Street, Camberley, Surrey.

The strike leaders had called a meeting that was to have been held in a bra 
near the factory, but it was too small to hold them all. (South London Press)

One man was admitted to hospital suffering from buns. (Bristol Gazette)

A new public house at Martlesham, near Ipswich, has been named after Sir 
Douglas Bader, the RAF's legless wartime hero. (Daily Telegraph)

Londonderry Development Commission plans to spend about £24,000 on improving 
the standard of street fighting in the city centre and a number of housing 
estates. (Belfast Telegraph)

Cash plea to aid dyslexic cildren. (South Wales Evening Post)

Police in Hawick yesterday called off a search for a 20-year-old man who is 
believed to have frowned after falling into the swollen River Teviot. (The 
Scotsman)

Winners in the homemade claret section were Mrs Davis (fruity, well-rounded), 
Mrs Rayner (fine colour and full-bodied), and Miss Ogle-Smith (slightly acid, 
but should improve if laid down). (Leicestershire parish magazine)

Arthur Kitchener was seriously burned Saturday afternoon when he came in 
contact with a high-voltage wife. (Surrey Advertiser)

In our report of the Welsh National Opera's Cavalleria Rusticana and Pagliacci, 
the computer spellchecker did not recognise the term WNO (Welsh National 
Opera). A slip of the finger caused it to be replaced with the word 'winos'. 
(The Guardian)

An item which was deservedly appreciated and encored was Chopin's Pollonaise 
'Sea Minor'. (Wexford Free Press)

The first aid treatment for a broken rib is to apply a tight bandage after you 
have made your patient expire. (Manchester Evening News)

Hooper - Wilfred Harry. Loving memories of my dearest husband who passed away 
15 June. It's a lovely life without you, and sad has been each day. (Northants 
Evening Telegraph)

Mr S. Butters for reasons of ill-health, is permanently discontinuing 
widow-cleaning. (Cambridgeshire Times)

Corrections

Due to an error in transmission we stated in an inquest report on Saturday that 
Mrs Susannah Vincent, of Porth, was found dead with a bottle in her left hand 
and a plastic bag over her head. This should have read 'a Bible in her left 
hand'. We apologise for any distress caused to the family. (Swindon Evening 
Advertiser)

Error: The Observer wishes to apologise for a typesetting error in our Tots and 
Toddlers advertising feature last week which led to Binswood Nursery School 
being described as serving 'children casserole' instead of chicken casserole. 
(Leamington Spa Observer)

Due to a printing error, a story in last week's Gazette referred to athletics 
coach Billy Hodgins as an 'old waster'. This should, of course, have read 'old 
master'. We apologise to Mr Hodgins for any embarrassment caused.

The authorities at Ongar library have received a number of complaints about a 
card in the index file which read: SEX: SEE LIBRARIAN. This has been changed. 
The new entry reads: SEX: FOR SEX, ASK AT THE DESK. (Eastern Gazette)

In a recent report of a competition held at one of Pontin's holiday camps it 
was inadvertently stated that it was for 'elephant' grandmothers instead of 
elegant grandmothers. We apologise to Mrs Helen P-, who gained third place, for 
any embarrassment this may have caused. (Stockport Advertiser)

'The name of this column is still Corrections and Clarifications*, although it 
is not immune from error as the printed title in yesterday's paper 
demonstrated.' *The column appeared as Corrections and Clairifications. (The 
Guardian)

Adverts
Children shot for Christmas in the home - Regent Photographic Studios. 
(Morecambe Visitor)

Lesbian, 35, non-smoker, loves horses seeks same for friendship. (Spare Rib)

Dog Kennel, suit medium-sized dog. Good condition. Very turdy. Buyer collects. 
£9.99. (Wisbech Standard)

For sale: 83 Ford Grandad. (Express and Star, Wolverhampton)

Lady, 65, reasonable looks, medium build, 65, likes short walks, outings, the 
occasional drunk. (Westmorland Gazette)

Airedales - house-trained, safe with children, best protection against burglars 
or ladies living alone. (Dog World)

Male (24) seeks doom in central flat. Please phone 0141 xxxxx. (Edinburgh 
Evening News)

Rotherham Metropolitan Borough Council: Crematorium assistant required. The 
Council operates a no-smoking policy. (Sheffield Star)

Weddings

The bride was very upset when one of her little attendants accidentally stepped 
on her brain and tore it. (Kent Messenger)

On Monday, Councillor Thompson's son will be married to the eldest daughter of 
Councillor James. The members of the Corporation are invited to the suspicious 
event. (Suffolk newspaper)

Sports

Perhaps 24 hours of speculation about Johann Cruyff's future affected the great 
man. Most of his dazzling runs ended with well-timed tickles. (Scottish Daily 
Record)

The mystery fan behind the takeover bid for Port Vale today said he will pull 
out of the deal if his identity is revealed. It is understood Stone-based 
businessman Peter Jackson wants to remain anonymous until the contract is 
signed and sealed. (Staffordshire Sentinel)

Headlines

Chip shop owner battered man. (Gateshead Post)

Schizophrenic killed herself with two plastic bags. (Milton Keynes Gazette)

Numbers

Chocolate potato cake: 6oz margarine, 1oz cocoa, 4oz mashed potato, 5oz 
self-raising flour, 433 eggs size 3. (Woman's Weekly)

Heather Mills's charitable donations, recorded in the part of the divorce case 
judgment released to the public, £627,000 and not £627. (The Guardian)

In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno 
peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The 
recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.

Names

Letchworth Spiritualist Church. An evening of Clairvoyance with Mr Deadman 
Saturday, July 27, at 7pm. (Stevenage Express)

With the Chief Constable will be Chief Superintendent Peter Skinner, and Chief 
Inspector G. Bollard of the traffic division. (Buckingham Advertiser)


  - Steve
    xmpp:steve at nexusuk.org   sip:steve at nexusuk.org   http://www.nexusuk.org/

      Servatis a periculum, servatis a maleficum - Whisper, Evanescence