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<DIV class=OutlookMessageHeader dir=ltr align=left><FONT face=Tahoma
size=2>-----Original Message-----<BR><B>From:</B> ian.jones<BR><B>Sent:</B> 08
September 2003 17:08<BR><B>Subject:</B> [TTFF] Back to
Skool<BR><BR></FONT></DIV><TT>You may have seen these before - but they're very
good!<BR><BR><BR><BR>The following "history" of the world is compiled from
certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United
States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will
learn a lot.<BR><BR>The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in
the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such
that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are
cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a
huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and
Spain.<BR><BR>The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of
the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their
children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice
Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark.
Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they
did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the
Israelites.<BR><BR>Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.
Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread
made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get
the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He
fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.<BR><BR>Without
the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns
- Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he
became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote
the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on
his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that
name.<BR><BR>Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.<BR><BR>In
the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the
java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was
democratic because the people took the law into their own hands. There were no
wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to
see what their neighbours were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks
were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.<BR><BR>Then came the Middle
Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery,
King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was
cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs
on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be
hanged twice for the same offense.<BR><BR>In midevil times most of the people
were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many
poems and verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell,
who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.<BR><BR>The
Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human
being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling
papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It
was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father
of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he
invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.<BR><BR>The
greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made
much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his
merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's
famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long
soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King
by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey
Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then
his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise Regained."<BR><BR>One of the causes of the
Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists
would send their parcels through the post without stamps.<BR><BR>Delegates from
the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Franklin had gone to
Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each
arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse
divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still
dead.<BR><BR>Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's
mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his
own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said,
"In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while
traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.<BR><BR>Bach
was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Bach died from
1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so
deaf he wrote loud music.<BR><BR>During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads
of Europe were trembling in their shoes.<BR><BR>Queen Victoria was the longest
queen in England. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and
finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death
was the final event which ended her
reign.<BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR><BR></TT><CODE><FONT SIZE=3><BR>
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