[Jokes] Biblical advice

[Justin Mitchell]

Letter to Dr. Laura
Oh how I enjoy information like this...
(There IS satire in the US!)

Background:

Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses sex advice to
people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, speaking
as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to
Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned in any circumstance. The following Open
Letter to Dr. Laura was penned by a US resident who posted it on the Internet:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding the Laws of
Moses. I have learned a great deal from your radio show, and I try to
share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to
defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that
Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific
Bible laws and how to follow them.
(a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They
claim the odor is not pleasing to them.  Should I smite them?
(b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her? She's 18 and starting college. Will the slave buyer be required
by law to continue to pay for her education?

(c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how
do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
(d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend
of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you
clarify? ..Why can't I own Canadians?
(e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obliged to kill
him myself, or should this be a neighborhood improvement project ?
(f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.
I don't agree. Can you settle this?
(g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of the Lord if I
have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses.
Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? Would
contact lenses help ?
(h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27.
How should they die?
(i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes
me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
(j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops
in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different
kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme
a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the
whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them
to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with
their in-laws? (Lev.  20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can
help.

Thank you again for reminding us that the Torah is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan