[Jokes] odds 'n' ends...

[crystal]

What did one Math book say to the other?    Don't bother me I've got my own
problems!
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What did the circle say to the tangent line? Stop touching me.
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A guy had a parrot named Polly. The parrot died. A mathematician asked the
guy, "How did the parrot die?" The guy replied, "Polly no meal, Polly gone."
The mathematician was puzzled in his mind, thinking "Polynomial Polygon."
......"Polynomial Polygon." ......"Polynomial Polygon."
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This poem was written by Jon Saxton (an author of math textbooks).
((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0

Or for those who have trouble reading the poem:

A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by seven, plus five times eleven,
equals nine squared and not a bit more.
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Theorem: 4 = 5
Proof:
16 - 36 = 25 - 45
4^2 - 9*4 = 5^2 - 9*5
4^2 - 9*4 + 81/4 = 5^2 - 9*5 + 81/4
(4 - 9/2)^2 = (5 - 9/2)^2
4 - 9/2 = 5 - 9/2
4 = 5
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 A girl holding a baby walks into a drug store and asks the clerk if she can
use the store's baby scale.
"Sorry, ma'am," says the clerk. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure
the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale,
and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the second number from the
first."

"Oh, that won't work," says the girl.

"Why not?" asks the clerk.

"Because," she answers, "I'm not the mother - I'm the aunt."
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 Australians conducted a scientific, mathematical, statistical worldwide
survey with the following question:
"Please give us your opinion on the lack of food in the rest of the world"

No response was received. I suppose, the following problems were faced
during the survey's implementation :

1. In Eastern Europe and most of Asia no one knew what is "opinion".
2. In Western Europe no one knew what is "lack".
3. In Africa no one knew what is "food".
4. In North America no one knew what is "rest of the world".
5. In South America no one knew what is "Please".
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NOTE TO MANAGEMENT:
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.

Sd/
Project Leader

-------------------------------------------- >

A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE ABOVE NOTE:

That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the
last note to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd
lines 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, 11, and 13... for my true assessment of him.

All The Best
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 Some time ago I received a call from a colleague, who asked if I would be
the referee on the grading of an examination question. He was about to give
a student a zero for his answer to a physics question, while the student
claimed he should receive a perfect score and would if the system were not
set up against the student. The instructor and the student agreed to an
impartial arbiter, and I was selected. I went to my colleague's office and
read the examination question:
"Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the
aid of a barometer."

The student had answered: "Take the barometer to the top of the building,
attach a long rope to it, lower it to the street, and then bring it up,
measuring the length of the rope. The length of the rope is the height of
the building."

I pointed out that the student really had a strong case for full credit
since he had really answered the question completely and correctly. On the
other hand, if full credit were given, it could well contribute to a high
grade in his physics course. A high grade is supposed to certify competence
in physics, but the answer did not confirm this. I suggested that the
student have another try at answering the question. I was not surprised that
my colleague agreed, but I was surprised when the student did. I gave the
student six minutes to answer the question with the warning that the answer
should show some knowledge of physics. At the end of five minutes, he had
not written anything. I asked if he wished to give up, but he said no. He
had many answers to this problem; he was just thinking of the best one. I
excused myself for interrupting him and asked him to please go on.

In the next minute, he dashed off his answer which read:

"Take the barometer to the top of the building and lean over the edge of the
roof. Drop the barometer, timing its fall with a stopwatch. Then, using the
formula S=0.5*a*t^2, calculate the height of the building."

At this point, I asked my colleague if he would give up. He conceded, and
gave the student almost full credit. In leaving my colleague's office, I
recalled that the student had said that he had other answers to the problem,
so I asked him what they were. "Oh, yes," said the student.

"There are many ways of getting the height of a tall building with the aid
of a barometer. For example, you could take the barometer out on a sunny day
and measure the height of the barometer, the length of its shadow, and the
length of the shadow of the building, and by the use of simple proportion,
determine the height of the building."

"Fine," I said, "and others?"

"Yes," said the student. "There is a very basic measurement method you will
like. In this method, you take the barometer and begin to walk up the
stairs. As you climb the stairs, you mark off the length of the barometer
along the wall. You then count the number of marks, and this will give you
the height of the building in barometer units. "A very direct method."

"Of course, if you want a more sophisticated method, you can tie the
barometer to the end of a string, swing it as a pendulum, and determine the
value of g at the street level and at the top of the building. From the
difference between the two values of g, the height of the building, in
principle, can be calculated."

"Finally," he concluded, "there are many other ways of solving the problem.
Probably the best," he said, "is to take the barometer to the basement and
knock on the superintendent's door. When the superintendent answers, you
speak to him as follows: 'Mr. Superintendent, here is a fine barometer. If
you will tell me the height of the building, I will give you this
barometer."

At this point, I asked the student if he really did not know the
conventional answer to this question. He admitted that he did, but said that
he was fed up with high school and college instructors trying to teach him
how to think, to use the "scientific method," and to explore the deep inner
logic of the subject in a pedantic way, as is often done in the new
mathematics, rather than teaching him the structure of the subject. With
this in mind, he decided to revive scholasticism as an academic lark to
challenge the Sputnik-panicked classrooms of America.
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There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical
engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side
of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could
be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car
and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical
engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is
becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with
a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in,
open the windows again, and maybe it'll work !?" (Zareen Shaukat)
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A student wrote letter to his home:
Dear Dad!
This $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
hard. Mathematic$, a$tronomy, and economic$ are the $ubject$ I like. With
all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like,
you can ju$t $end me a po$t card, a$ I would love to $ee $ome word$ from
you.

$end it to me $oon,
Your $on
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A week later he received a letter from home:

Dear Son!
I kNOw that trigoNOmetry, astroNOmy, and ecoNOmics are eNOugh to keep even
an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a
NOble task, and kNOw that NO one can ever learn eNOugh.

Love,
Dad
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A lazy dog is a slow pup.
A slope-up is an inclined plane.
An ink-lined plane is a sheet of writing-paper.
Therefore, a lazy dog is a sheet of writing-paper.
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A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole. They
only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep
the tape along the pole. It kept falling down, etc.
A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove
the pole from the ground and measure it easily. When he leaves, one engineer
says to the other: "Just like a mathematician! We need to know the height,
and he gives us the length!"
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The British gutter press has decided to encode its royal family stories
discretely in Morse code. I suppose their headlines now read:
Did Di die... Di did die.... Di Died.
Did Dodi die... Dodi did die.... Dodi died.
Did Di Dodi die... Di Dodi did die.... Di Dodi died!! Di...Di...Di Died!
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What is "pi"?
Mathematician:     Pi is the ratio of circumference of a circle to its
diameter.

Engineer:     Pi is about 22/7.

Computer Programmer:     Pi is 3.141592653589 in double precision.

Nutritionist:     You one track math-minded fellows, Pie is a healthy and
delicious dessert!
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A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will
say that on the average he feels fine.
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The guy gets on a bus and starts threatening everybody: "I'll integrate you!
I'll differentiate you!!!" So everybody gets scared and runs away. Only one
person stays. The guy comes up to him and says: "Aren't you scared, I'll
integrate you, I'll differentiate you!!!" And the other guy says; "No, it
won't do anything to me, I am e^x".
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Three economists and three mathematicians were going for a trip by train.
Before journey mathematicians bought 3 tickets and economists bought only
one. Mathematicians were glad their stupid colleagues were going to pay a
fine. However, when the conductor was approaching their compartment, all
three economists went to the nearest toilet.
Conductor noticing that somebody is in the toilet knocked to the door and in
reply saw a hand with the ticket. He checked it and economists saved 2/3 of
the ticket price. Next day mathematicians decided to use the same strategy -
they bought only one ticket, but economists did not buy ticket at all. When
mathematicians saw conductor they went to the toilet, and when they heard
knocking they handed in the ticket. They did not get it back. Why? The
economists took it and went to the other toilet.
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A party of mathematicians was climbing in the Alps . After several hours
they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time,
turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his
compass, and finally the sun.
Finally he said, ' OK see that big mountain over there?' 'Yes', answered the
others eagerly. Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it.
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The mathematician's child and the economist's child were in the third grade
together, and the teacher asked, "If one man with one shovel can dig a ditch
in ten days, how long would it take ten men with ten shovels to dig the same
ditch?" Both children raised their hands.
The teacher said to the mathematician's child, "Johnny, how long?" and
little Johnny v. said, "One day, teacher."

The teacher looked at the economist's child and said, "John Maynard, is that
right?"

Little John Maynard said, "Teacher, it all depends."
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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are at a hotel one night
sleeping after the first day of a conference.
A disgruntled hotel employee decides to get even with the management. He
goes to a floor where there is nobody in the hallway. He drops a lit match
into a trash can in the hallway. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He
goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills his trash can from
his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.

The disgruntled hotel employee found another trash can in the hallway and
drops a lit match into it. Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke.
He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to
a fire-hose and after calculating the flame distance, water pressure,
trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and
energy needed. He goes back to bed.

This hotel employee then drops some trash paper and a lit match into the
same trash can in the hallway. Then the mathematician wakes up and smells
smoke. He goes to the hallway, sees a fire and then the fire-hose. He thinks
for a moment and then exclaims, "Ah, a solution exists!!" and then goes back
to bed.
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Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a
canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call
for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far."
So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Hellllooooo! Where are we?"
(They hear the echo several times).

Two minutes later they hear this echoing voice: "Hellllooooo! You're lost!!"

One of the men says, "That must be a mathematician." Puzzled, one of the
other men asks, "Why do you say that?"

He replies: "For three reasons. (1) he took a long time to answer, (2) he
was absolutely correct, and (3) his answer was absolutely useless."
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Several students were asked the following problem:
Prove that all odd integers are prime.

Well, the first student to try to do this was a math student. Hey says
"hmmm... Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have
that all the odd integers are prime."

The physics student then said, "I'm not sure of the validity of your proof,
but I think I'll try to prove it by experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is
prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... uh, 9 is an experimental
error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it seems that you're right."

The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded,
"Well, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's see... 1 is
prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ..., 9 is ..., standard
deviation, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it does seem right."

Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says "Well,
you two sort'v got the right idea, but you'd end up taking too long doing
it. I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it..." He goes
over to his terminal and runs his program. The computer responds, "1 is
prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime...."
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An assemblage of the most gifted minds in the world were all posed the
following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"
Philosopher: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?"

The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and
forth, and finally announces "3.99".

The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his
computer, and announces "it lies between 3.99 and 4.01".

The mathematician cogitates for a while, oblivious to the rest of the world,
then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an
answer exists!".

Politician: Closes all the doors and windows, looks around carefully, then
whispers "What do you want it to be?"
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Two male mathematicians are in a restaurant.
The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little
about basic mathematics.
The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a
reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the
second calls over the waitress and tells her that after a few minutes when
his friend returns, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she
has to do is answer one third x cubed.

She repeats 'one thir -- dex cue'? He repeats 'one third x cubed'.
She: 'one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and
goes off mumbling to herself, 'one thir dex cuebd...'.

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that
most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the
blonde waitress an integral calculus question, and the first laughingly
agrees.

The second man calls over the waitress and asks "what is the integral of x
squared?" The waitress says 'one third x cubed' and while walking away,
turns back and says over her shoulder 'plus a constant'!
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A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician were sitting in a street cafe
watching the crowd. Across the street they saw a man and a woman entering a
building. Ten minutes later they reappeared together with a third person.
- They have multiplied, said the biologist.

- Oh no, an error in measurement, the physicist sighed.

- If exactly one person enters the building now, it will be empty again, the
mathematician concluded.
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