[Jokes] 40 reasons

[Clare McKenna]

40 reasons women fail in bed

1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab
it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were
milking a cow. Don't use the penis as if it's a piece
of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male
organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be
worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The
sensitive part is at the top (where your face should
be), not two-thirds of the way down.

2. BEING NAKED: Very few female bodies are good to
look it so please make an effort to cover up as much
as possible with exotic lingerie. Match the outfit to
suit your bod. If you've got a half-decent arse but no
tits for example, wear stockings and suspenders and
cover your meagre mammaries with something silky.

3. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important.
Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll
over and present. You know you love it!

4. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be arsed
to scream to show your appreciation, at least make
some sort of sign to inform the guy that he's done his
duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants. A
finger up his arse should do the trick.

5. PHONE TURN-OFF: Don't put your mobile phone next to
the bed and say: "I'm just waiting for a call from my
hairdresser to confirm an appointment but we can carry
on in the meantime." Ringing bells might have turned 
Quasimodo on but not your average stud with 10 pints
of lager inside him.

6. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative
male lover gets carried away and says things like
"Ride my hard cock you filthy cock-sucking slut" 
or "Yeah, swallow my man-custard bitch". Laughter at
any aspect of the male performance will not enhance
it. Just be grateful you've got a guy who can speak
whole sentences.

7. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble
to come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants
you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union with
him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness
in most cases - but this is a risk you should be
prepared to take for his happiness.

8. TOO BRIGHT: If the man switches the light off, it
is for a reason, so please don't insist on seeing
what's going on. If he's got a bit of a beer belly or
a lovebite from a bonk earlier that day, it is his
right to keep such matters to himself. If he wants it
dark so he can imagine he's shafting Natalie
Imbruglia, please understand this fascinating aspect
of the male psyche.

9. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not
kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You
should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you
are a one-night stand you should leave the premises
without thieving anything or asking for a phone
number.

10. BEING SHY: Always offer the Marmite Motorway. If
you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can
quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.

11. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag,
use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage
if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.

12. LACK OF MAINTENANCE: Never ask a man if he likes
your body as you will force him to lie. Men don't like
fat chicks. Get in the gym and lose some weight and
tighten those buns and thighs. here is no such thing
as the perfect body. 99.6 per cent of men say that
even
Christy, Elle, Naomi et al could still lose a few
pounds -so what chance have you got?

13. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even
think of saying: "Are you going to come soon." If
you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take your mouth
off to utter the question. If you're giving a
hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your
biceps. Of he's shagging you and takes more than 10
minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time
trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually
aware and gifted human beings.

14. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're
the best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so
many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are.
Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important
thing.

15. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something.
Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both
parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men
to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't mind
that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how
to do it but at least put some effort into the act to
show your appreciation.

16. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an
imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time
don't sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that
one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome.
If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway.
Plus you might learn something from her to keep your
man really happy.

17. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your
pubic hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece
of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks
like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to
trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner
favoured by the Playboy models that your man would
rather be shagging.

18. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much
trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your
mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savouring the
taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen
like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing
and throwing from side to side. A line like "I love it
when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale to
fun and games.

19. INGRATITUDE: Never forget to thank a man for all
the effort and energy he has expended on making love
to you - especially if a) sex has lasted more than
five minutes and/or b) you managed to achieve an
orgasm. A man's role in sex is far more demanding than
a woman's so it is always nice when one's prowess is
appreciated.

20. SEEKING FAVOURS: Never contemplate taking
advantage of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek
favours or make requests. As he drops off into
well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask :"Do you
think I should buy that
dress/skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?" there is a
name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain
- prostitution.

21. BED-RIDDEN: Too many women fail in bed because
they insist on being IN BED. Very few countries have
statutes limiting horseplay to a designated room. Let
yourself go with some sex in the study, bonking in the
bathroom and kinkiness in the kitchen. If you're
lucky, your man might imagine he's bonking someone
sexy and adventurous and he might manage a larger,
harder erection.

22. SHARING NOT CARING: Whilst it is understandable
that you would be excited after receiving a mouthful
of cum, do not be thoughtless in expressing your
attitude by kissing your man on the lips. YOU like
semen, HE doesn't. Be considerate, please.

23. LETHAL WEAPONS: A guy's scrotum is a wondrous
aesthetic achievement of nature to be treated gently.
Don't squeeze the balls like you are squeezing water
from a sponge. If you have long nails pull them off
with pliers before even looking at a guy's ball bag.

24. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get
on the end of the thing and jam your head back and
forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it should be
caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every
angle.

25. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (1) Never embarrass a
gentleman by challenging him to remember your name
after he's shagged you. If he thought it was important
to remember your name, he would have.

26. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (2): Don't be angry if
you're lover shouts out another woman's name during
the sexual act. Men have much more complicated lives
than women and deal with many more people at work,
football club, gym, pub, etc. It's probably just a
close associate and totally innocent. Of course, he
might be shagging someone else in his spare time and
it is understandable that he should make such an
obvious mistake.

27. KEEPING HIM WAITING: Don't get him all turned
on and the let his proud stiffy whither while you go
to the bathroom and tone and moisturise every square
centimetre of your body. The male erection can be
sensitive to 45-minute delays while you go off to make
yourself look presentable. If you must follow a strict
beauty regime, do it after he's shot his load and has
started to snore.

28. TOOTHACHE: When we ask you to eat our cock, this
should not be taken literally. I know it's hard to
resist but keep the tooth action to a little nibble
now and again.

29. YOU CAN'T HURRY, LOVE: If a woman is serious about
good oral sex as part of foreplay, 20 minutes is the
bare minimum required to give the subtle and complex
penis a reasonable working over. Better allow for 45 
minutes at least.

30. TWO-DIMENSIONAL: It's not enough to be a
specialist - even in the important skill of fellatio.
To be regarded as a successful woman in bed you must
have a full portfolio of tricks. These should include
a penchant for facial glazing and a familiarity with
idiosyncrasies of your man's Anal region.

31. CAMERA SHY: If he wants to capture the beauty
that is you during those special moments (so he can
remember the bits he missed because he was drunk),
help him by posing in a gorgeous, pouting way for the
camera or video camera.

32. UNSWEET SMELL OF EXCESS: While men are more than
happy to lick the pink clam, please give it a bit of a
wash once or twice a week. You can have too much of a
good thing.

33. OBSESSIVE: The female orgasm is over-rated so
don't spoil everybody's fun by insisting on having one
every time you have sex. Of course, if you do have
lots, you should feel free to announce them.

34. PERIOD PAIN (1): It's natural for a woman to
beg for a good seeing to but please do not a) pretend
your period has finished or b) that it hasn't even
started. Just go without and let your man catch up
with his fantasies about your friends, his young and
pretty work colleagues and the girls he shagged before
he met you.

35. PERIOD PAIN (2): Having said that (above), just
because you're on the blob, it doesn't mean his
natural and healthy urges have gone away. Don't put
sex off limits for the duration of your period. Use
this special time together to work on your oral and
massage techniques.

36. THE BIG SWITCH (OFF): Nothing is worse than giving
a man some encouragement and then not finishing the
job. Such encouragement might be the slightest brush
against any part of his body. So if he's got a stiffy,

you've got to deal with it and take things through
to their natural conclusion.

37. WAKE-UP CALLER: Men have busy and demanding
schedules so please understand if he should
occasionally (say three times a week) fall asleep 
while on the job. You should take it as a compliment
that he feels so relaxed.

38. COVER UP: If you have lured a man to bed under
the guise of being a sultry temptress with long
eyelashes and painted lips, please keep the illusion
going until he has discharged his porridge gun or
fallen asleep. If you care about him, you will make
sure he never discovers the terrible secret hidden
beneath your caked-on make-up.

39. PUTTING A DAMPENER ON THE EVENING: Don't make a
fuss about sleeping on the damp patch. If God wanted
men to sleep on the messy remains of coitus he would
have given us a snatch.

40. TV SINNER: The only TV programmes suitable for
accompanying good sex are hardcore porn especially
involving yourself) or a football match. No chat shows
or gardening programmes to be watched. Feel free to
forward it to any female you know!

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