[Jokes] The Register guide to acronyms

[crystal]

The Register guide to acronyms
By: Team Register
Posted: 02/02/2001 at 12:53 GMT


We have been asked by many readers to provide a guide to the thicket of
acronyms that obscure the PC industry. So here it is.

.9999999 Almost perfect but recurring and occurring a little too much. See
also Q and HP.

1394 Mistaken date for the Battle of Hastings. See Battle of USB.

2LA Fully mirrored version of Los Angeles. See TLA.

Au Symbol in chemistry for gold, as in Goldmine, the symbol at Intel for
Coppermine, as in Cu (qv) and Ag (silver). All that glitters is not gold...

Al Symbol in chemistry for aluminium, as in the interconnect technology that
Intel's Cu (qv) technology is using. Q (qv) is using copper interconnects on
Alpha machines which are fabricated by Intel because a US department said it
had to. (qv Q).

AMD A vessel that makes more noise than its size would suggest it could, as
in the phrase: AMD vessel makes more noise.

AMIGA Someone who can't speak Spanish (see DOS) thinks this is the singular
of friends (amigos).

ARM Very highly valued limb attached to a human body from Cambridge that is
connected to a hand which signs the licensing deals which makes its share
price soar every couple of weeks.

BOFH The Bastard Operator from Hell, no less. Cult columnist from NZ.

CA Clerical Assistant who regularly buys up lots of companies.

CISC Abbreviation for a company which has a market cap of $250 billion and
is also known as Netzilla.

CLM Chipzillaspeak for a Career Limiting Move. One of the finest of Intel's
fabled TLAs (qv) an example might be an Intel spin paramedic actually using
their brains and offering journalists useful advice and guidance, rather
than simply parroting prepared statements.

CPU The expensive moron at the heart of your computer.

Cu Symbol for copper in chemistry but not at Intel's HQ, where Cu is the
symbol for aluminium (See Ag, Al).

CUJimmy Phrase used in Silicon Glen, Scotland to alert employee of incoming
fist.

DETLA not to be confused with DELTA A doubly extended three letter acronym.
(See FLA).

DIMM A reader suggests, You, which we suppose must mean Us.

DOJ US government department which regularly says Microsoft is guilty. See
also FTC.

DOS Verb. To sleep rough on the streets.

DRAM Small drink of whisky.

DUX Ugly ducking on a little pond that became transformed into a beautiful
swan called Tru64.

ETLA Extended three letter acronyms (see TLA). This is an acronym that
avoids the need to use FLA (qv).

FAQ Off the cuff document.

FTC US government body which regularly says Chipzilla is innocent of all
charges.

HP Human particulate first created in a garage in Cupertino.

HP/UX Unexploded human particulate operating system.

IA32 Half the amount of IA64, unless you count the letters of the alphabet
as numbers.

IA64 Double the amount in price of IA32 (qv).

IBM Type of relatively intelligent footwear worn by Lou Gerstner.

IEEE Pronounced Aye Triple E in Scotland, this is a request for illicit
substances north of the English border.

IO Greeting made by Seven Dwarves on their way to work.

ISDN It still does nothing... but in droves (reader contributed)

JPEG A very dangerous image that can land you in gaol if you're not careful.

LAN Capital of the country WAN.

LED This really means a light emitting diode but someone suggests instead
that it's Plumbum, otherwise known as lead.

MB Not to be confused with Mb (qv).

Mb Must not be confused with MB (qv

MITEL Mike and Terry's Lawnmowers.

MTFLA More than four letter acronym. See 2LA.

MACINTOSH Machine Always Crashes If Not The Operating System Hangs. Only too
true, only too true.

MMX An Intel processor with an AMIGA (qv) blitter inside, according to some.

MP3 Third MP to stand up and say he supports Ken Livingstone for London
mayor as well.

MPEG A very dangerous acronym of the moving image (VDAMI), similar to JPEG
(qv), which could also land you in the clink.

NGIO Sound made by the Seven Dramurai on their way to work. See IO.

PC Expensive machine which not only never seems to work properly but needs
to be replaced every couple of years.

PCMCIA or PC Card A humorous gentleman who first says he's from the police,
and then shows you his card which shows he's an employee of the CIA. A
reader suggests this VETLA (very extended three letter acronym) stands for
People Can't Memorise Computer Industry Acronyms.

PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of
Mathematics (contributed by a reader).

Q Line of people waiting for Compaq Wildfire servers to launch.

Q PR Firm that does the spin paramedicking for Q (qv)

QPR English football Team sponsored by Compaq until a few years back. Not to
be confused with Q PR (qv)

PR Press relations, which often happens when groups of young journalists get
drunk together on a press trip.

RAMBUS You wait ages for one arrive, and then three of them arrive at once,
all of them going to Caminogate, which is the wrong destination.

RIMM The edge of the glass that holds your DRAM (qv)

RISC A reader suggests Reject Important Stuff into compiler. Needs to be
contrasted with CISC (qv).

RTFM Read The F**King Manual. What Tech support really thinks of you.

SAN Storage device that holds your lawnmower (see MITEL).

SCO First three letters of English word Scottish. Pronounced ess-see-oh,
otherwise you're fined $15.

SCSI System Can't See It (contributed by a reader) but not to be confused
with SCSI-2 - system can't see it again.

SDRAM Smaller drink of whisky than a DRAM (qv).

SIMD, Screaming Instruction set that can't stop making a noise because of
the additional multimedia instructions.

SKU Stock keeping unit. A component you can never get hold of when you need
it.

SO-DIMM Much thicker than a DIMM, and takes far longer to understand the
acronym because of the extra two letters and a hyphen.

TIFF A file image that never stops arguing with you.

TLA Three Letter Acronym. Intel is especially fond of abbreviating things
and uses TLAs whenever possible. Examples are ROI (Return on Investment),
CLM (Career Limiting Move) (qv), ICP (Intel Celeron Processor) and P3P
(Pentium III Processor). Sometimes Intel insiders get carried away and start
using FLAs, such as RTFM, as well.

TPLA Three plus letter acronym. See MITEL.

UNIX Make of wood found in France.

UPS Courier company which keeps your PC system going if you suffer a
brownout.

USB A slow protocol that at least has the advantage of being a three letter
acronym rather than a number, such as 1394.

VAR Value added reseller. A dealer who charges more than other dealers for
the same thing.

WAN Country whose capital is LAN (qv).

WAV The hand movements of Her Majesty the Queen, translated into sound.


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