[Jokes] some may be apocryphal, but good non-the-less (fwd)

Chris McKenna cmckenna at sucs.org
Tue Apr 23 22:45:30 BST 2002

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for 
warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, 
they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts." 

Here is Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny 
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to 
use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself." 

ULRIKA Jonsson was a humble GMTV weathergirl talking about snowfall when 
she revealed: "I had a good eight inches last night." 

TREVOR Brooking talking about David Beckham's groin strain during the 
recent England v Germany match: "He's certainly led by example this 
evening and his injury's stood up superbly." 

PETER Alliss on Rivero's golf drive: "Gosh, what an enormous one for such 
a little chap!" 

LORRAINE Kelly on GMTV: "This year's hairstyle is called a shag and our 
resident stylist is here to 
give our model one." 

CHRIS Tarrant was trying to help a female contestant name a famous 
motor-racing commentator. The answer was Murray Walker, so Chris said: 
"I'll give you a clue. His name sounds like something hard that tastes 
good when you suck it." "Ah," she replied. "It must be Dickie Davies." 

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen 
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets." 

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyres on World Superbikes: 
"Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a 
hard on now." 

Richard Whiteley asking Carol Vorderman to display a word on Countdown: 
"Ah, 'erection', let's see it up please Carol." 

DAVID Dickinson, talking about an antique door-knocker on 
Bargain Hunt, said to expert Nigel Smith: "You're a bit of a knockers 
man." "Yes, he replied. "I've come across quite a few in my time." 

HERE is Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith 
Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by 
herself in bed last night." 

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's 
formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he 

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, 
tell us about your amazing third leg." 

BEATRICE Hillyer was discussing the availability of fresh water in Baghdad 
when she informed TVam viewers: "Just after the liberation, I was getting 
it twice a day in my hotel room." 

DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud 
observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick 
their balls on the green." 

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire 
match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he 
just tossed it off." 

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's 
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this." 

CHARLIE Dimmock was helping Alan Titchmarsh with a tree stake on Ground 
Force. "How far am I in?" he asked. "About eight inches," Charlie replied. 
"But I need a few more inches." 

A MIND-blowing insight from tennis expert Pam Shriver : "They don't come 
any quicker on the women's tour than Sugiyama." 

CAROL Baxter was trying to identify an apple when she opined: "And this 
one tastes like Cox." 

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What 
does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?" 

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today 
after a 69." 

STEVE Cram covering the men's 200 metres at the World Athletics 
Championships: "Pumping away, Marlon Devonish has got the Olympic champion 
inside him." 

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big 
race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about 
coming from different positions." 

CHAIN Letters host Allan Stewart was discussing a 6ft 5in contestant 
called Richard when he told two women competitors: "That's enough Dick for 
both of you." 

EXPERT David Batty was examining a bowl with a pineapple-shaped lid on 
Antiques Roadshow when he exclaimed: "This is the most magical, wonderful 
knob I have ever seen." 

SLIMMING expert Sally Ann Voak was talking about John Suchet's belly when 
she said: "I'm sure you have a little bulge down there John." 

STEVE Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude: 
"There's something big growing between my legs." 

CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live 
said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it." 

BROUGH Scott: "And there's the unmistakable figure of Joe Mercer...or is 
it Lester Piggott?" 

Chris 'Awkward' McKenna

cmckenna at sucs.swan.ac.uk
awkward at gmx.co.uk

The essential things in life are seen not with the eyes,
but with the heart

Antoine de Saint Exupery

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