[Jokes] some may be apocryphal, but good non-the-less (fwd)

[Chris McKenna]

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for 
warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, 
they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts." 

Here is Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny 
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to 
use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself." 

ULRIKA Jonsson was a humble GMTV weathergirl talking about snowfall when 
she revealed: "I had a good eight inches last night." 

TREVOR Brooking talking about David Beckham's groin strain during the 
recent England v Germany match: "He's certainly led by example this 
evening and his injury's stood up superbly." 

PETER Alliss on Rivero's golf drive: "Gosh, what an enormous one for such 
a little chap!" 

LORRAINE Kelly on GMTV: "This year's hairstyle is called a shag and our 
resident stylist is here to 
give our model one." 

CHRIS Tarrant was trying to help a female contestant name a famous 
motor-racing commentator. The answer was Murray Walker, so Chris said: 
"I'll give you a clue. His name sounds like something hard that tastes 
good when you suck it." "Ah," she replied. "It must be Dickie Davies." 

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen 
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets." 

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyres on World Superbikes: 
"Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a 
hard on now." 

Richard Whiteley asking Carol Vorderman to display a word on Countdown: 
"Ah, 'erection', let's see it up please Carol." 

DAVID Dickinson, talking about an antique door-knocker on 
Bargain Hunt, said to expert Nigel Smith: "You're a bit of a knockers 
man." "Yes, he replied. "I've come across quite a few in my time." 

HERE is Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith 
Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by 
herself in bed last night." 

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's 
formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he 
sees." 

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, 
tell us about your amazing third leg." 

BEATRICE Hillyer was discussing the availability of fresh water in Baghdad 
when she informed TVam viewers: "Just after the liberation, I was getting 
it twice a day in my hotel room." 

DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud 
observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick 
their balls on the green." 

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire 
match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he 
just tossed it off." 

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's 
nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this." 

CHARLIE Dimmock was helping Alan Titchmarsh with a tree stake on Ground 
Force. "How far am I in?" he asked. "About eight inches," Charlie replied. 
"But I need a few more inches." 

A MIND-blowing insight from tennis expert Pam Shriver : "They don't come 
any quicker on the women's tour than Sugiyama." 

CAROL Baxter was trying to identify an apple when she opined: "And this 
one tastes like Cox." 

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What 
does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?" 

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today 
after a 69." 

STEVE Cram covering the men's 200 metres at the World Athletics 
Championships: "Pumping away, Marlon Devonish has got the Olympic champion 
inside him." 

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big 
race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about 
coming from different positions." 

CHAIN Letters host Allan Stewart was discussing a 6ft 5in contestant 
called Richard when he told two women competitors: "That's enough Dick for 
both of you." 

EXPERT David Batty was examining a bowl with a pineapple-shaped lid on 
Antiques Roadshow when he exclaimed: "This is the most magical, wonderful 
knob I have ever seen." 

SLIMMING expert Sally Ann Voak was talking about John Suchet's belly when 
she said: "I'm sure you have a little bulge down there John." 

STEVE Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude: 
"There's something big growing between my legs." 

CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live 
said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it." 

BROUGH Scott: "And there's the unmistakable figure of Joe Mercer...or is 
it Lester Piggott?" 

-- 
Chris 'Awkward' McKenna

cmckenna at sucs.swan.ac.uk
awkward at gmx.co.uk
www.sucs.swan.ac.uk/~cmckenna


The essential things in life are seen not with the eyes,
but with the heart

Antoine de Saint Exupery