[Jokes] FW: The NEW rules (fwd)

[Chris McKenna]

-- 
Chris 'Awkward' McKenna

cmckenna at sucs.swan.ac.uk
awkward at gmx.co.uk
www.sucs.swan.ac.uk/~cmckenna


The essential things in life are seen not with the eyes,
but with the heart

Antoine de Saint Exupery


---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Sat, 27 Apr 2002 10:11:04 +0100
Subject: FW: The NEW rules

Guys' rules 

We always hear "the rules" from the feminine side. OK - well now hear the
guys' side ? These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE! 

THE GUYS' RULES 
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. 
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can
find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and NASCAR.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be. 
1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that
way. 
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really. 
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not
work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar.
Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be
any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your
dress? 
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check your oil! Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done,
not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials. 
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we
were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for
example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea
what mauve is. 
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading
ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. I'm in shape. - ROUND is a shape.