[Jokes] Fwd: [schmeeky] Useful

[Clare McKenna]

 20 RESPONSES TO TELEMARKETERS
 
 
 1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you
 just filed for
 bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
 
 2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say,
 "I'm so
 glad you asked, because no one these days seems to
 care, and I
 have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up,
 my eyelashes
 are sore, my dog just died . . . "
 
 3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company,
 ask them to
 spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company
 name. Then
 ask them where it is located, how long it has been
 in business,
 how many people work there, how they got into this
 line of work
 if they are married, how many kids they have, etc.
 Continue
 asking them personal questions or questions about
 their company
 for as long as necessary.
 
 4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer:
 "Hi, my name
 is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a
 second and
 with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
 
 5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my
 God! Judy, how
 have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few
 brief
 moments of terror as she tries to figure out where
 she could
 know you from.
 
 6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound
 of each
 one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are
 trying to
 speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they
 hang up.
 
 7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the
 Family and
 Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you
 can, "I don't
 have any friends, would you be my friend?"
 
 8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get
 out blood?
 Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
 
 9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel,
 ask him or her
 to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them
 that you
 can't just give your credit card number to a
 complete stranger.
 
 10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same
 company,
 and they can't sell to employees.
 
 11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a
 Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my
 God!" and
 then hang up.
 
 12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment
 and ask
 him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone
 number so you
 can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer
 explains that
 telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers
 say, "I guess
 you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?"
 The
 Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!"
 Hang up.
 
 13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several
 times.
 
 14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they
 would please
 hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you
 continue to eat
 at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue
 with your
 dinner conversation.
 
 15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home
 incarceration" and
 ask if they could bring you some beer.

 16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make
 up a number.
 
 17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to
 you. But I
 should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any
 clothes."
 
 18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy
 Leon, playing a
 joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon,
 how's your
 momma?"
 
 19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they
 need to
 speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
 
 20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want
 to write
 every word down.
 
 NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved
 for use on
 telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing

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