[Jokes] Assisted Computing Facility?

[Chris McKenna]

-------- Original Message --------
Subject: [TTFF] Assisted Computing Facility?
From: greybeaver <greybeaver at StoneRomance.com>
To: ttff <ttforumfriends at yahoogroups.com>


> Should YOUR loved one be placed in an Assisted
> Computing Facility? For family members, it is often
> the most difficult and painful decision they will
> face: to accept that a loved one - a parent, a spouse,
> perhaps a sibling - is technologically impaired and
> should no longer be allowed to live independently, or
> come near a computer or electronic device without
> direct supervision. The time has come to place that
> loved one into the care of an Assisted Computing
> Facility. But you have questions, so many questions.
> We at Silicon Pines want to help.
> 
> WHAT EXACTLY IS AN ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY?
> Sometimes referred to as "Homes for the
> Technologically Infirm," "Technical Invalid Care
> Centers," or "Homes for the Technically Challenged,"
> Assisted Computing Facilities (ACFs) are modeled on
> assisted living facilities, and provide a safe,
> structured residential environment for those unable to
> handle even the most common, everyday multitasks. Most
> fully accredited ACFs, like Silicon Pines, are an
> oasis of hope and encouragement that allow residents
> to lead productive, technologically relevant lives
> without the fear and anxiety associated with actually
> having to understand or execute the technologies
> themselves.
> 
> WHO SHOULD BE IN AN ACF?
> Sadly, technology is advancing at such a dramatic
> rate that many millions, of all ages, will never truly
> be able to understand it, putting an undue burden on
> those friends and family members who must explain it
> to them. But unless the loved one is suffering from a
> truly debilitating affliction, such as
> Reinstallzheimers, the decision to commit is entirely
> personal. You must ask yourself: "How frustrated am
> I that my parent/sibling/spouse is unable to open an
> email attachment?" "How much of my time should be
> taken up explaining how RAM is different from hard
> drive memory?" "How many times can I bear to hear my
> dad ask if he can replace the motherboard with a
> fatherboard?" To make things easier, we have
> prepared a list of Warning Signs, which we encourage
> you to return to often, or, if you can't figure out
> how to bookmark it, print out. Also, please take a
> moment to read "I'm Glad I'm in Here! - A Resident's
> Story."
> 
> MUST IT BE FAMILY, OR CAN I PLACE ANYONE IN AN ACF?
> Several corporations have sought permission to have
> certain employees, or at times entire sales
> departments, committed to ACFs. At present, however,
> only direct family or self-internment can commit
> individuals. The reason is simple: there are not
> nearly enough ACFs in the world to accommodate all the
> technologically challenged. For example, there are
> currently only 860, 000 beds available in ACFs, but
> there are 32 million AOL users.
> 
> HOW MUCH WILL IT COST?
> ACF rents range from free up to $12,500 per month.
> The disparity is currently a point of contention in
> the ACF industry. Many residents are covered through
> government programs such as Compucaid or Compucare,
> but reimbursement rates are low and only cover a
> portion of the fees. Exacerbating the situation are
> the HMOs (HelpDesk Maintenance Organizations), which
> often deny coverage, forcing residents to pay out of
> pocket or turn to expensive private techcare insurers
> such as BlueCache/BlueScreen. Offsetting the costs
> are technology companies themselves, many of which
> subsidize ACFs. Firms such as Microsoft, Dell,
> Qualcomm, and America Online will pay up to 100
> percent of a resident's monthly bill, but there is a
> catch. ISPs, for instance, require residents to sign
> service contracts lasting a year or more. Microsoft,
> meanwhile, prohibits the installation of any
> competitive software, while Priceline requires that
> residents buy shares of its stock, which seems onerous
> but saves residents on lavatory tissue.
> 
> HOW OLD MUST I BE TO HAVE SOMEONE COMMITTED?
> Until very recently, you had to be 18 or older to
> legally commit a family member. However, the now
> famous British court case Frazier vs. Frazier and
> Frazier has cleared the way for minors to commit their
> parents. In that case, 15-year-old Bradley Frazier of
> Leicester had his 37-year-old parents committed to an
> ACF in Bournemouth after a judge ruled Ian and Janet
> Frazier were a " danger to themselves and the
> community." According to court records, Bradley told
> his parents about the I LoveYou virus and warned them
> not to click attachments, then the next day his
> parents received an I LoveYou email and clicked on the
> attachment because, they explained, "it came from
> someone we know."
> 
> WHAT SHOULD I LOOK FOR IN AN ACF?
> First, make sure it's a genuine Assisted Computing
> Facility, and not an Assisted Living Facility. To tell
> the difference, observe the residents. If they look
> rather old and tend to openly discuss bowel movements,
> this is probably 'assisted living.' On the other hand,
> if they vary in age and say things like, "I'm supposed
> to figure that out? I'm not Bill God-damned Gates you
> know!," this is probably 'assisted computing.' Also,
> at a well-run ACF, residents should lead full,
> independent lives, and should be allowed the use of
> many technology devices, including telephones,
> electric toothbrushes, and alarm clocks. However, only
> a facility's Licensed Techcare Professionals (LTPs)
> should perform computational or technological tasks
> such as installing programs or saving email
> attachments. And LTPs should NEVER answer residents'
> questions because studies have shown that answering
> user questions inevitably makes things worse.
> Instead, residents should simply have things done for
> them, relieving them of the pressure to "learn" or "
> improve."
> 
> CAN A RESIDENT EVER GET OUT?
> No.
> 
> OK, THIS SOUNDS PROMISING. HOW CAN I LEARN MORE?
> For your enlightenment, we offer extensive information
> on Silicon Pines and the ACF lifestyle, which can be
> found by clicking one of the links in the navigation
> bars found at both the top and bottom of this page.
> But whatever you decide, keep in mind that due to
> demand, ACFs now have long waiting lists. WebTV & AOL
> users alone will take years to absorb.
>

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