[Jokes] Quite a lot of jokes

[Chris McKenna]

Appologies to those of you who get these twice.
---

A man walks into a drug store with his 8 year old son. They happen to
walk by the condom display and the boy asks "What are these, dad?"

To which the man matter-of-fact replies "Those are called condoms, son
.... Men use them to have safe sex".

"Oh I see" replies the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health
class
as school".

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks "Why are
there 3 in this package?"

Dad replies "Those are for high school boys.  One for Friday, one for
Saturday, and one for Sunday".

"Cool!" says the boy.  He notices a 6 pack and asks "Then who are these
for?"

"Those are for college men" the dad answers. "Two for Friday, Two for
Saturday and Two for Sunday".

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12
pack.

With a sigh the dad replied "Those are for married men.  One for January,
one for Feburary, one for March........."

~~~~

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and
a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future,
think twice before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....

True story ... the station had a female news anchor who, the
day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to
the weatherman and  asked "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did
too as they were laughing so hard...

~~~~

After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found
traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one
thousand years ago.

So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists
dug
200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read: "US scientists have found
traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their
ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years
earlier than the Russians.

One week later, the Irish press reported the following: "After digging as
deep as 500m, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have
concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using mobile
phones."

~~~~

Empire (the film mag) ran a good competition on their website recently
asking for a porn slant on famous films. The results were:

A Broom For Romeo's Arse (Simon W)
An Officer in a Gentleman (Lachlan F)
Assault With Penis Thirteen (JS)
Atlantis: The Lust Empire (Jason H)
Behind Enemy Loins (DeejayDimSum)
Bigknobs and Hugedicks (Leigh T)
Bitchfinder General (Thomas L)
Bra Trek (Martin P)
Briefs Encounter (Caroline J)
Buff Oral Soldiers (Simon A)
Cape Queer (Chris G)
Captain Corelli's Man-Handlin' (Benj C)
Cum Lola Cum (Matthew B)
Dungeons & Drag Queens (John F)
Enema At The Gates (James)
Erin's Gottanitch (Mr M0by)
Event Horizontal (John F)
Fiddling on The Roof (Andy)
>From Rear To Maternity (DD)
Goodfellatios (Robert S)
Harriet Potter and Her Chamber of Semen (Adrian J)
Have My Wonderful Wife (Judge M)
Hot Thighs Beneath (Christopher L)
Lake Flaccid (Rich P)
Moan Alone (Sean B)
O Brothel, Where Are Thou? (Marius V)
One Whore Over The Cock, Who's Next? (Paul C)
Reservoir Doggy Style (Lachlan F)
Seven Brides on Seven Brothers (Jason H)
Six Degrees of Copulation (Lachlan F)
Sliding Drawers (Jon G)
Spray it Forward (Benj C)
Spread Legged Freaks (Simon A)
Stop! Or My Cum Will Shoot! (Tim C)
The Adventures of Fuckeroo Banzai (Kevin H)
The Bedding Minger (David C)
The Buns of Navarone (Christopher L)
The C**t of Monte Cristo (Alex W)
The Hunt For Head All Over (Douglas F)
The Postman Always Comes Twice (Hillian H)
The Quick in The Bed (Dazza)
The Sore Wank Redemption (Judge M)
The Three Muffketeers (Martin P)
The Tit and The Pudendum (Leigh T)
The World Is Not A Muff (Rich P)
Things To Do in Denver With The Dead (Jon G)
Turn Her and Smooch (Caroline J)


Also submitted by many great minds:
Carry On Up My Khyber
Clithanger
Cock Star
Das Booty
On Her Majesty's Secret Cervix
Pretty Titty Gang Bang
Raging Balls
Shag The Dog
Sperms of Endearment
The Inside-her

~~~~

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

~~~~

While taxiing, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale
made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate
female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US
Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie
taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it
right!" Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take
forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell
you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an
hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and
how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the
verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground
controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at Ft.
Lauderdale was running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and
asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

~~~~

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a
three-sixty (complete circle, a move normally used to provide spacing
between aircraft).
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two
thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?"
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four
thousand dollars' worth."

~~~~

A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach
speed a little high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the
runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 and
make a right at the light to return to the airport."

~~~~

It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being
vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.
KC Approach: "Malibu three-two Charlie, you're following a 727, one
o'clock and three miles."
Three-two Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven
o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause): 'Well...I've
got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a
Chevelle."

~~~~

Unknown aircraft: "I'm fucking bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!"

~~~~

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7.
Did you copy that report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

~~~~

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to
get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement
that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between
Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird
206":
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the
active runway."
Ground: "Guten Morgen. You will taxi to your gate."
The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a
stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate
location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown
to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type
of Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."

~~~~

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one
o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that
Fokker in sight."

~~~~

A Hillbilly named, Shawn Bob, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an
old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next
day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some
bad news. The donkey died."

"Well, then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with him?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the Hillbilly and asked, "What
happened with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 hundred tickets at two dollars apiece and
made a profit of $898."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

~~~~

A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was
crossing the road.  The driver went to the owner of the calf and
explained what had happened.  He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have
been worth $900.  So $900 is what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the
farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900.  It's postdated six years from
now."

~~~~

Bonehead award one, a "too dumb to be a criminal bonehead award," goes to
a Winnipeg, Canadian man who, thinking he had figured out how to rob a
store without worrying about the police catching him in the act, CAUSED
the police to catch him in the act.

Just before entering the store, he called 911 from the phone booth ACROSS
from the store to report a shooting at another location
believing this would distract the police.  But the police, finding it was
a false call, got the address of the phone booth and arrived just in time
to see the idiot brandishing a knife and taking money from the cashier.

Winnipeg Sun

~~

Bonehead award two goes to a South Roanoke, Virginia, man who, while
making an
harassing phone call to a woman who had no idea who he was, and who,
after 45 minutes, heard a police officer then come on the line, got angry
and told the officer that if didn't like being cussed out he could just
come on down to the 600 block of Tazewell Avenue Southeast and do
something about it, according to police who went down to the 600 block of
Tazewell Avenue Southeast and did something about it.

Roanoke Times

~~

Bonehead award three goes to Robert Peter Nelson, III of Washington
County, Pennsylvania who was arrested for armed robbery, according to
police who said they found Robert Peter Nelson, III when they spotted the
plumbing van he used for getting away which is "emblazoned" with the
name, "ROBERT PETER NELSON, III,"

Pittsburgh Tribune-Review

~~

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