McKenna, Chris (RDSSW)
chris.mckenna at defra.gsi.gov.uk
Tue Sep 3 09:51:29 BST 2002
> > FIRST AFFAIR
> > There was a middle-aged couple that had two
> > stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They
> > decided to try one last time for the son they
> > always wanted. After months of trying, the wife
> > became pregnant and sure enough, nine months
> > later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful
> > father rushed to the nursery to see his new son
> > He took one look and was horrified to see the
> > ugliest child he had ever seen.
> > He went to his wife and said that there was no way
> > that he could be the father of that child "Look at the
> > two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave
> > her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling
> > around on me?"
> > The wife smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
> > The Second Affair
> > A mortician was working late one night. It was his
> > job to examine the dead bodies before they were
> > sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined
> > the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be
> > cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz
> > had the longest private part he had ever seen!
> > "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I
> > can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously
> > huge private part like this. It has to be saved for
> > someone who needs it."
> > And with that the mortician used his tools to remove the
> > dead man's great tool. The mortician stuffed his new
> > discovery into a briefcase and took it home.
> > The first person he showed was his wife. "I have
> > something to show you that you won't believe," he said,
> > and opened his briefcase.
> > "Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
> > The Third Affair
> > A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar
> > and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir. That'll be one cent."
> > "ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy. The barman replied, "Yes."
> > So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could
> > I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas,
> > and a fried egg?" "Certainly, sir," replies the bartender,
> > "but all that comes to real money."
> > How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," he replies.
> > "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns
> > this place?" The barman replies, "I caught him upstairs
> > with my wife a few hours ago." The guy says, "What's
> > he doing with your wife?"
> > The bartender replies, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."
> > The Fourth Affair
> > Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining
> > candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile
> > hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him
> > from his slumber.
> > He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly,
> > "My darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush, my love,"
> > she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
> > He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I
> > have something I must confess to you."
> > "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.
> > "Everything's all right. Go to sleep."
> > "No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your
> > sister, your best friend, your best friend's sister,
> > her best friend, and your mother!"
> > "I know," Becky whispered softly. " That's why I poisoned
> > you."
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