[Jokes] Fw: Fire Code

[Tim Jenkins]

 The state of Virginia this past summer adopted new fire codes that
 prohibit certain apartment dwellers from possessing a freshly cut
 Christmas tree. The rationale is that, in buildings without sprinkler
 systems, dried-out Christmas trees can become lethal. A fir so easily
 becomes a fire.
 
 Naturally the new codes, when publicized this week, triggered widespread
hysteria and protests. Some state and local fire officials responded by saying
they wouldn't enforce the ban.
 
 That would be tragic, because, in addition to building roads and schools and
waging the occasional war in a distant land, the obligation of the government
is to protect citizens from freak accidents that kill a handful of people
every year in a country of 280 million. This new law should be the catalyst
for a sweeping crackdown on all the hazards that make Christmas notorious as
the season of misery and death.
 
 Here is a list, compiled over several hours of careful risk analysis, of all
the things that must be banned immediately before someone gets hurt:
 
 
 
 1. Eggnog. Hideously fattening; leads to coronary artery disease. When
"spiked" it incites the drinker to turn to more dangerous holiday beverages,
including mulled wine, hard cider and schnapps.
 
 2. Decorations. Broken glass ornaments can lead to fatal bleeding in
 hemophiliacs. Strings of lights offer unusual electrocution
 opportunities. Extravagant outdoor lighting displays can cause
 automobile pileups on the street and/or blindness. Live animals in a
 manger might bite children.
 
 3. Carols. Hypothermia risk. Certain high notes are hard to hit, causing
embarrassment, stress and other harbingers of early death. Religious themes of
carols could prove offensive to some listeners and
 inadvertently trigger a clash of civilizations.
 
 4. Sledding. Involves a kinetic event that would more properly be
 described as skidding. Any close analysis will reveal that sleds not
 only have poor traction but are expressly designed to have minimal grip on a
slick surface. Should be every bit as illegal as dangling a baby from a
balcony.
 
 5. Hearths. The ultimate fire hazard. People often use them to have open
fires, complete with exploding embers that can land on furniture, on heavily
gelled hair or even on a small furry pet that could suddenly go FOOF! and turn
into the Yowling Fireball of Doom.
 
 6. Menorahs. Still more open fire. Why not just pass around blowtorches and
cans of gasoline?
 
 7. Artificial Christmas trees. Fairfax County assistant fire marshal
 Mike Reilly, defending the ban on cut trees, said Tuesday: "I just put up my
nine-foot artificial tree. I don't think it's a major
 inconvenience when you look at the risks." Obviously, plastic Christmas trees
are growing to enormous size these days, and anyone who stands under a
nine-foot colossus runs the risk of being crushed.
 
 8. Gifts. Small gifts are a choking hazard. Large gifts lead to hernias. Coal
in the stocking of a person who has been bad poses a severe fire risk. CDs
have wrapping that requires the use of knives and scissors in a manner that
can lead to the loss of a finger. Shopping leads to excessive debt, anxiety
and compensatory high-risk behaviors such as smoking, heavy drinking and
attempted gift returns. Improper gift-buying, such as when a well-meaning male
gives his sweetheart something unromantic, like a Dustbuster, or a 52-piece
socket wrench set, or a jumbo can of Dr. Scholl's Foot Deodorant Spray, can
lead to domestic violence.
 
 9. Mistletoe. The number of unwanted pregnancies resulting from the
 placement of mistletoe on the ceiling and over doorways has never been
properly calculated, but is surely astronomical. Tongues are a choking hazard.
 
 10. Shopping mall Santas. A strange man wearing a disguise who asks
 small children to sit in his lap. You make the call.
 
 11. Reindeer. Lyme disease vectors.
 
 12. Elves. Ideology and political allegiance unknown. Terror risk?