[Jokes] [TTFF] DEAR SIR OR MADAM (fwd)

Chris McKenna cmckenna at sucs.org
Sun Oct 19 21:29:13 BST 2003

Chris 'Awkward' McKenna

cmckenna at sucs.org

The essential things in life are seen not with the eyes,
but with the heart

Antoine de Saint Exupery

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Fri, 17 Oct 2003 17:14:06 +0100
From: ian jones

These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage

...and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand

I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant

We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

...50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces

Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife

I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2 

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it 

... and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore

It's his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow

More information about the Jokes mailing list