[Jokes] A better programing language ;)

Moog Man moogman at msn.com
Wed Oct 29 13:53:30 GMT 2003

NULL - The Ultimate Computer Language

BASKING RIDGE, NJ - Bell Laboratories has formally announced what it 
believes is the ultimate computer science language. Described by Iusi 
Nogoto, the foremost Japanese fourth generation language expert, as "the 
only truly elegant computer language ever devised". NULL, as it is known, 
was developed by the same department that originally invented the wrong 
number, the busy signal, and the phrase, "The number you have reached is not 
in service".
NULL is the culmination of five years of work by a team of language 
designers and computer science mathematicians. The final breakthrough 
occurred when operating system expert Hugh Nicks suggested that if removing 
GOTOs was good then why not scrap IF statements as well, since they usually 
required typing too many characters anyway. This brilliant concept was 
extended through a series of complex mathematical theorems that form the 
basis of the NULL language.

Put in layman's terms by Sally Kahn-Vallee, electrical engineer and PROM 
reader, "Like first we tossed out the bath water, then the baby, and like, 
finally, the whole tub". The elegance and conciseness of NULL can thus be 
proven to be a direct consequence of the fact that the language as defined 
contains no statements at all. While at first glance this may seem a 
drawback, in fact, it is a major improvement over any other language. A few 
of the numerous reasons are:

Highly structured constructs.
Advanced data hiding techniques.
A NULL compiler can be written first in NULL without ever needing to be 
written in a lower level language.
Since there are no statements to compile, in fact, no compiler need ever be 
written in the first place, saving time and money.
Since there will be no compilers, no new releases will ever be issued hence 
maintenance is reduced.
NULL programs are highly portable and totally machine independent.
NULL programs compile and execute rapidly. An important point to note is 
that with the addition of a small amount of language dependent code, e.g. 
PROC/END etc., all NULL programs can be compiled by any other language 
Since there will never be new releases of NULL, all programs are upwardly 
and downwardly compatible.
NULL can be parsed top-down, bottom-up, left-right, right-left, inside-out, 
and over-easy.
NULL programs are both self-documenting for clarity and self-concealing for 
NULL programmers are easy to find and once found can be fired since they are 
not needed.
If desired, specialized NULL hardware could be designed implementing the 
code in firmware. Of course, such hardware may require years of development. 
One suggestion from Bell's VLSI experts Nora and Andy Gates was to take an 
existing available chip and remove all the instructions except NOP. While 
this should work in theory, they acknowledged that it is probably not the 
most efficient implementation.
These are just a few of the many ways NULL is superior to all current 
computer languages. You can, no doubt, think of more. For further reading 
consult any of the numerous books and articles by Donald Knuth, David 
Parnas, and of course, the basis of all modern computer language theory, 
"The Emperor's New Clothes".

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