[Jokes] Lawyer's version of "A visit from St. Nicholas" (fwd)

Chris McKenna cmckenna at sucs.org
Thu Dec 23 17:04:47 GMT 2004

> Subject: Lawyer's  version of "A visit from St. Nicholas"
> Whereas, on or  about the night prior to Christmas, there did 
> occur at a certain  improved piece of real property 
> (hereinafter referred to as "the  House") a general lack of 
> activity, i.e. stirring, by all creatures  therein, 
> including, but not limited to, a mouse.
> A  variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had 
> been affixed  by and around the chimney in said House in the 
> hope and/or belief that  St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ 
> Santa Claus (hereinafter referred  to as "Claus") would 
> arrive at sometime thereafter.
>  The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the 
> aforementioned House  were located in their individual beds 
> and were engaged in nocturnal  hallucinations, i.e. dreams, 
> wherein visions of confectionery treats,  including, but not 
> limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did  dance, 
> cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
>  Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter 
> referred  to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of 
> the House with the  parties of the second part (hereinafter 
> referred to as "Mamma"), and  said Mamma had retired for a 
> sustained period of sleep. (At such time,  the parties were 
> clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and  cap.)
> Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did  
> occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and 
>  appurtenant to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain 
> disruption of  unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The 
> party of the first part  did immediately rush to a window in 
> the House to investigate the cause  of such disturbance.
> At that time, the party of the first part  did observe, with 
> some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature  sleigh 
> (hereinafter referred to as "the Vehicle") being pulled 
>  and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately 
> eight (8)  reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be 
> and in fact was, the  previously referenced Claus.
> Said Claus was providing specific  direction, instruction and 
> guidance to the approximately eight (8)  reindeer and 
> specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by  name: 
> Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and 
>  Blitzen (hereinafter referred to as "the Deer"). (Upon 
> information and  belief, it is further asserted that an 
> additional co-conspirator named  "Rudolph" may have been 
> involved.)
> The party of the  first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and 
> the Deer intentionally and  willfully trespass upon the roofs 
> of several residences located  adjacent to and in the 
> vicinity of the House, and noted that the  Vehicle was 
> heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of  unknown 
> origin or nature.
> Suddenly, without prior  invitation or permission, either 
> express or implied, the Vehicle  arrived at the House, and 
> Claus entered said House via the  chimney.
> Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was  partially 
> covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a  
> large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned 
>  packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what 
> appeared  to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation 
> of local ordinances  and health regulations.
> Claus did not speak, but immediately  began to fill the 
> stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent  to the 
> chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did  
> not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minors pursuant to 
>  the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)
> Upon  completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his 
> nose and flew,  rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the 
> House to the roof where the  Vehicle and Deer waited and/or 
> served as "lookouts." Claus immediately  departed for an 
> unknown destination.
> However, prior to  the departure/escape of the Vehicle, Deer 
> and Claus from said House,  the party of the first part did 
> hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry  Christmas to all and 
> to all a good night!" Or words to that  effect.

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