[Jokes] Beer Scooters

[Philip Long]

How many times have you woken up in the morning 
after 
a hard night of drinking and thought 'How did I get 
home?' 
As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your 
return journey from the bar to your home. The answer 
to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter. 
The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, 
owned and leased out to the drunk by Bacchus the 
Roman 
god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the 
decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and 
bought a large batch of these magical devices. The 
beer scooter works in the following fashion: 
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness 
and the “slurring gland“ begins to give off a 
pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many 
sub-contractors 
detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer 
scooter. 

The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits 
them 
in their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal. 
It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so 
a 
large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is 
taken as payment. This generates the second question 
after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?' 
Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are 
thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI 
(Unidentified Drinking Injuries). An undocumented 
feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of 
time 
segments during the trip. 

The nature of trans-dimensional portals dictates 
that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for.
This 
generates the third question after a night out 'What 
happened?' 
With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the EMIT 
(Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that 
automatically removes, in descending order, those 
parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one 
person's EMIT is not necessarily the EMIT of another 
and quite often lost time is regained over a 
suitable period. 

Independent studies have also shown that Beer 
Goggles 
cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction 
thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom 
often 
with horrific consequences. With recent models 
including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a 
scooter drive-thru chain specialising in half eaten 
kebabs and pizza crusts. Another question answered!! 

For the family man, beer scooters come equipped with 
flowers picked from other people's garden and 
Thump-A- 
Lot Boots. These boots are designed in such a way 
no matter how quietly you tip-toe, you are sure to 
wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity 
springs 
ensure that you bump into every wall and the CTSGS 
(Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the 
ring barked shins. 

The final add-in Bacchus saw fit to invest in for 
some 
scooters is TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This 
explains how one person can apparently get through 
260 
Marlboro Lights in a single night.