[Jokes] FW: Nelson

[McKenna, Chris (RDS SW)]

-----Original Message-----


> Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
> 
> Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
> 
> Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer.
> What's the meaning of this?"
> 
> Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
> 
> Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty,
> regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or
> disability". What gobbledygook is this?"
> 
> Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities
> employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the
> censors, lest it be considered racist."
> 
> Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
> 
> Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free
> working environments."
> 
> Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main
> brace to steel the men before battle."
> 
> Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
> Government's policy on binge drinking."
> 
> Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full
> speed ahead."
> 
> Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
> stretch of water."
> 
> Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
> history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest,
> please."
> 
> Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
> 
> Nelson: "What?"
> 
> Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness.
> And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let
> anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
> 
> Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
> 
> Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle
> Admiral."
> 
> Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
> 
> Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
> environment for the differently abled."
> 
> Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
> even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
> by playing the disability card."
> 
> Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in
> the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
> 
> Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
> 
> Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let
> the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want
> anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
> 
> Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the
> men to stand by to engage the enemy."
> 
> Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
> 
> Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
> 
> Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
> charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
> legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
> 
> Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
> 
> Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
> 
> Nelson: "We're not?"
> 
> Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners
> now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in
> this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
> 
> Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
> 
> Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you
> saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary."
> 
> Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your
> King."
> 
> Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
> age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."
> 
> Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
> sodomy and the lash?"
> 
> Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
> corporal punishment."
> 
> Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
> 
> Hardy: "I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."
> 
> Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy."
> 
> 



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