[Jokes] A Discourse on European History (fwd)

[Chris McKenna]

-- 
Chris 'Awkward' McKenna

cmckenna at sucs.org
www.sucs.org/~cmckenna


The essential things in life are seen not with the eyes,
but with the heart

Antoine de Saint Exupery


---------- Forwarded message ----------
 
A Discourse on European History

   Those who forget history--and the English language--may be condemned
to mangle both. Historian Anders Henriksson, a five- year veteran of the
university classroom, has faithfully recorded his freshman students'
more striking insights into European history. Possibly as an act of
vengeance, Henriksson has assembled these fractured fragments into a
chronological narra- tive from the Middle Ages to the present.

   During the Middle Ages, everyone was middle aged. Church and state
were co-operated. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords,  and
surfs. After a revival of infantile commerce, merchants appeared. Those
roamed from town to town exposing them- selves and organizing big
fairies in the countryside. The Crusades were expeditions by Christians
who were seeking to free the holy land (the "Home Town" of Jesus) from
the Islams.

   In the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular. A class of
ycowls arose. Finally, Europe caught the Black Death. It was spread from
port to port by inflected rats. The plague also helped the emergence of
English as the national language of England, France, and Italy.

   The Middle Ages slimpared to a halt. The renesance bolted in from the
blue. Life reeked with joy. Italy became robust, and more individuals
felt the value of their human being. Italy, of course, was much closer
to the rest of the world, thanks to northern Europe. Man was determined
to civilise himself and his brothers, even if heads had to roll! It
became sheik to be educa- ted. Europe was full of incredable churches
with great art bulging out of their doors. Renaisance merchants were
beautiful and almost lifelike.

   The Reformnation happened when German nobles resented that tithes
were going to the pope, thus enriching Catholic coiffures. The popes
were usually Catholic. An angry Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a
church door. Theologically, Luthar was into reori- entation mutation.
Anabaptist services tended to be migratory. Monks went right on seeing
themselves as worms. The last Jesuit priest died in the 19th century.

   After the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal. If the
Spanish could gain the Netherlands they would have a stronghold
throughout northern Europe that would include Italy, Burgangy, central
Europe and India thus surrounding France. The German Emperor's lower
passage was blocked by the French for years and years.

   Louis XIV became King of the Sun. He gave people food and artillery.
If he didn't like someone, he sent them to the gallows to row for the
rest of their lives. Vauban was the royal minister of flirtation.

   In Russia, the 17th century was known as the time of the bounding of
the serfs. Russian nobles wore clothes to humor Peter the Great. Peter
filled his government with accidental people; orthodox priests became
government antennae.

   The enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire wrote a book called
Candy that got him into trouble. Philosophers were unknown yet, and the
fundamental stake was one of religious tolerance slightly confused with
defeatism.

   France was in a serious state. Taxation was a great drain on the
state budget. The French revolution was accomplished before it happened.
The revolution catapaulted into Napolean. Napoleon was ill with bladder
problems and was very tense and unrestrain- ed.

   History started in 1815. Industrialization was precipitating in
England. Problems were so complexicated that in Paris, out of a
population of 1 million people, 2 million able bodies were on the loose.

   The middle class was tired and needed a rest. The old order could see
the lid holding down new ideas beginning to shake. Among the goals of
the chartists were universal suferage and an anal parliment.

   A new time zone of national unification roared over the horizon.
Founder of the new Italy was Cavour, an intelligent Sardine from the
north. Culture formented from its tip to its top. Dramatized were
adventures in seduction and abortion. Music reeked with reality. Wagner
was master of music, and when he died they labeled his seat
"historical."

   World War I broke out about 1912-1914. At war people get killed, and
then they aren't people any more, but friends. Peace was proclaimed at
Versigh, which was attended by General Loid, Primal Minister of England.
President Wilson arrived with 14 pointers. In 1917, Lenin revolted
Russia.

   Germany was displaced after WW1. This gave rise to Hitler, who
remilitarized the Rineland over a squirmish between Germany and France.
Mooscalini rested his foundations on 8 million bayonets and invaded Hi
Lee Salasy. Germany invaded Poland, France invaded Belgium,  and Russia
invaded everybody. War screeched to an end when a nukleer explosion was
dropped on Heroshima. A whole generation had been wipe out, and their
forlorne families were left to pick up the peaces. The last stage is us.