[Jokes] Wellington's message . . . (fwd)
Chris McKenna
cmckenna at sucs.org
Wed Feb 2 08:44:56 GMT 2005
---------- Forwarded message ----------
MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO THE BRITISH FOREIGN OFFICE IN LONDON
Written from Central Spain, August 1812
Gentlemen, Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which
commands the approach to Madrid and the French forces, my
officers have been diligently complying with your requests
which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and
thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent
poles, and all manner of sundry items for which His
Majesty's Government holds me accountable. I have dis-
patched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every
officer. Each item and every farthing has been accounted
for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your
indulgence.
Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains
unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and
there has been a hideous confusion as the number of jars
of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry regiment during a
sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness
may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we
are war with France, a fact which may come as a bit of a
surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request
elucidation of my instructions from His Majesty's Government
so that I may better understand why I am dragging an army
over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it must
be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall
pursue either one with the best of my ability, but I cannot
do both:
1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for
the benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or
perchance...
2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out
of Spain.
Your most obedient servant,
Wellington
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