[Jokes] Airlines (fwd)

[Chris McKenna]

---------- Forwarded message ----------

All too rarely, Australian airline attendants make an effort to make the
in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more
entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:


On an Air NZ Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
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On landing the hostess said, "Please be sure to take all your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."
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"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to
leave the aircraft."
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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland, a lone voice
came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a
flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as f*** everything has shifted."
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  From a Qantas employee: "Welcome aboard Qantas Flight XXX to YYY. To
Operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
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"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one
small child, pick your favourite.
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"Weather at our destination is 32 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines."
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"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."
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"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before
assisting children... or other adults acting like children."
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Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart: The
flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump,
and I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!"
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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying United. "He said that, in
light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in
the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally
everyone had got off except for an old lady walking with a cane. She
said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the
pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we
shot down?"
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After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant came
on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal."
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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal
tube, we hope you'll think of Qantas."
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A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit
back and relax - SHIT! ARGHHH! OH, MY WORD!" Silence followed and after
a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was
talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the
hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger
in Economy said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"