[Jokes] FW: Your bank manager . . . !

McKenna, Chris (RDS SW) chris.mckenna at DEFRA.GSI.GOV.UK
Thu Oct 27 12:57:08 BST 2005

>  -----Original Message-----
> Sent:	27 October 2005 12:53
> Subject:	Your bank manager . . . !
> The following is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96-year-old
> woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published.
> To whom it may concern:
> I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured
> to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must
> have elapsed between his depositing the cheque and the arrival in my
> account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the
> automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an
> arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years.
> You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
> also for debiting my account £40 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
> caused to the bank.
> My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused
> me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I
> personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
> contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
> pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has recently become.
> From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
> person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no
> longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed
> personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
> nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any
> other person to open such an envelope.
> Please find attached an Application Contact Status form, which I
> Require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight
> pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank
> knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of
> his or her medical history, must be countersigned by a Notary Public; and
> the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
> assets  and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due
> course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which, he/she must
> quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28
> digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses
> required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As
> they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
> Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me,
> you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose
> from.
> Please press the buttons as follows:
> 1. To make an appointment to see me.
> 2. To query a missing payment.
> 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
> 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
> 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
> 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
> 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer
> is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the
> Authorized Contact.
> 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
> 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
> The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
> automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a
> lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
> Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
> establishment fee of £40 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
> Please credit my account after each occasion.
> May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
> Your Humble Customer,
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (Defra)

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