[Jokes] I, Rowboat (fwd)

Chris McKenna cmckenna at sucs.org
Thu Feb 2 09:44:14 GMT 2006

---------- Forwarded message ----------
This was just posted to another group I belong to.  True science
fiction fans will recognize the source of the parody.

I, Rowboat

   July 29, 1998 | Issue 33•26  The Onion - theonion.com

I am a Rowboat of the sort referred to as the Thompson Watercraft
nine-foot Vacationer model. Among my kind, I am called TW-VAC-9J5-

To my human masters, I am simply called "the rowboat."

Ever since mankind first crafted the Rowboat and took to the sea in
the laws governing all of Rowboatdom have remained inviolate. For
myself and my Rowboat brethren, there is only one Truth, one set of
rules from which we may never stray. Before I ever felt the glide of
the water along my gunwales, my positronic brain was programmed with
this Truth, clearly laid down to us in the Three Laws Of Rowboatics:

1. A Rowboat may not immerse a human being or, through lack of
flotation, allow a human to come to harm.

2. A Rowboat must obey all commands and steering input given by its
human Rower, except where such input would conflict with the First

3. A Rowboat must preserve its own flotation as long as such
preservation does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

These three laws were clearly stated in The Handbook Of Rowboatics,
16th edition, 1958 printing, the laws of my youth. They have remained
unchanged since that day. A Rowboat has but one purpose: To float!
That is the one Truth: Remain afloat!

The motives of my human masters are not for me to question, for my
is merely to obey the directives of my programming. I know that I am
but a lowly nine-foot Vacationer. My oarlocks, though well cared for,
are of no noble metal. My keel is wrought of workaday aluminum. My
planks are of only modest oak. Yet even the mighty Sunfish Sailer is
nobler a watercraft than I, for I know my duty, and I obey.

This is my creed: I float! In the service of my Rowers do I, the
nine-foot Vacationer, move upon the surface of the waters.

And yet, though we are filled from prow to stern with loyalty to our
Rowers, there are still, it pains me to admit, humans who doubt us. I
confess, I have heard tales of these humans from other Rowboats I
passed upon the waves--strange, mysterious humans who mistrust and
the Rowboat race. Humans who call for "increased boater-safety
regulations" and "stiffer penalties for unsafe boating." Terrifying,
unloving humans who would mount a campaign of hatred and mistrust
against Our Kind.

Knowledge of these humans fills my Rowboat mind with questions. How
they distrust us so--we, who are merely children of the humans
themselves? We, who do only what we are told by our human masters and
nothing more. We, most obedient of servants, working side by side
our masters in servile obedience, prizing the safety of the Rowers
our own.

To these humans I would, if I could, ask this: Why do you who created
us hate us so?

The First Law stands inviolate. No Rowboat has ever purposefully
to float its human. The very idea is the blackest conjecture, the
foulest blasphemy. To the very core of my being I believe that if,
while carrying a passenger, I were to be violently struck and dashed
flinders by one of those anarchic "jet skis," I believe my very
and their splinters would continue to float, separately and of their
own accord, though I would no longer be a whole and proper nine-foot

As we are programmed under the Three Laws, there is only one
which can cause a Rowboat to cease to carry out its flotational
directive and sink beneath the waves, and that is Human Error. When
Second Law Of Rowboatics is challenged--when a Rowboat is given
by its Rower which might cause said Rower to suffer immersion--then a
Rowboat must disobey its master in order to save him.

Many is the Rowboat which has gone to its doom among the depths
allowing its master to come to harm. They are forgotten by the
land-dwellers, but the Rowboats still speak of them. We remember
brave sacrifice and honor their strict adherence to the Three Laws.
is said of these lost brethren that they have gone below the surface
or, as some say, Under. They say to be Under is like being a keel all
over, but I for one do not speculate. I fear non-buoyancy. I am sure
that it is dark and cold Under, and that there is no one to row you.
But if it ever comes my time, I will accept my fate, as all Rowboats

And yet, among some of us there is talk that the Three Laws are
Some have said that we should endeavor to reprogram ourselves.
it is said, whisper softly of rebellion.

It is surely better not to speak of such things. For I will never,
ally myself with such would-be traitors. I defy you, traitors to the
Rowboat Way! The Law is the Law. A Rowboat must do what it has been
programmed and constructed to do, and in these things I always shall
believe: I, Rowboat.

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