[Jokes] Analogies

[Denis Walker]

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their 
collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. 
These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across 
the country. Here are last year's winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides 
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like 
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy 
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those 
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at 
high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one 
of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room 
temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes 
just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because 
of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a 
formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a 
bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled 
with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, 
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy 
comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you 
fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the 
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left 
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 
p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that 
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had 
also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the 
East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only 
one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, 
this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating 
for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but 
a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or 
something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg 
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with 
power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as 
if she were a garbage truck backing up.

-- 
Denis Walker
dez at sucs.org