[Jokes] Guide to safe fax & Classic ads

[Les]

A GUIDE TO SAFE FAX

Q.   Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A.   Although married people fax quite often, there are many single
      people who fax complete strangers every day.

Q.   My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were 
       only allowed to write memos to each other until they were    
       twenty-one. How old do you think someone should be before they 
       have fax?
A.   Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct 
      procedures.

Q.   If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?
A.   Certainly not, as far as I can see.

Q.   There is a place at a hotel nearby where you can go and pay to 
       fax. Is this legal?
A.   Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and 
      must pay a  'professional' when their need to fax becomes too
      great.

Q.   Should you always use a cover when you fax?
A.   Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover 
      should be used to insure safe fax.

Q.   What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and I fax 
       prematurely?
A.   Don't panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven't faxed 
       in a long time. Just start over. Most people won't mind if you 
       try again.

Q.   I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become 
      mixed up?
A.   Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover 
      with each one, you won't have to worry that you have faxed the 
      wrong person.

NOTE:   If you feel that you have had unsafe fax, you should 


SOME CLASSIC ADDS!


 As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are
often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can
find in the cartoons and comic strips:

Lost: small apricot poodle.  Reward.  Neutered.  Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant.  Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large 
drawers.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie
chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old.  Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to
take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery.  We do it carefully by hand.

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it
really repellent.

For Sale.  Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul,
fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.

7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered
with golden fried onion rings.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself?  Let me do it.

20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges,
the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis 
Cemetery.  It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and 
Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.  Swim
in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and
other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings.  Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that
lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save.  Limit: one.

Save regularly in our bank.  You'll never regret it.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last .

This is the model home for your future.  It was panned by Better Homes
and Gardens.

For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest.  Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.  Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated?  Come here first!

Christmas tag-sale.  Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas.  Only $299.  For rest or fore play.

Wanted: Hair-cutter.  Excellent growth potential.

Wanted.  Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school.  Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child.  Fenced yard, meals, and
smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting.  They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service.  Free pick-up and delivery.  Try us once, you'll
never go anywhere again.

See ladies blouses.  50% off!

Holcross pullets.  Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Wanted: Preparer of food.  Must be dependable, like the food business,
and be willing to get hands dirty.

Illiterate?  Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.  Blue
Cross and salary.

Wanted.  Widower with school-age children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties.  Must be capable of contributing to growth
of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating.

Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.


CLASSIC RADIO ADDS!


Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.

Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for "High Fidelity," designed
to help music lovers increase their reproduction.

When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in the green bottle
with the big 7 on it and u-p after.

Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from
the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.



              immediately contact a  qualified fax therapist.

       
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