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245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,  
if you don't know   how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public 
unsupervised." 

                                    *****************************  
 
 "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.
If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child,
pick 
your favorite." 

                                    *****************************  
 
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but 
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." 

                                    *****************************  
 
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an 
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our 
compliments." 

                                    *****************************  
 
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area.
Please place the bag over your  own mouth and nose before assisting 
children ... or other adults acting like children." 

                                    *****************************  
 
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. 
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight 
attendants.  Please do not leave children or spouses." 

                                    *****************************  
 
And from the pilot during his welcome message:  "Delta airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!" 
 
                                    *****************************  
 
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it
wasn't   the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
flight 
attendant's fault ...it was the Asphalt." 

 
                                    *****************************  
 
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a 
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please
remain  
in your seats with your  seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
left  
of our airplane to the gate!" 

                                    *****************************  

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the 
terminal." 
 
                                    *****************************  
 
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard.  The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited,
smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline."  He said that, in
light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the
eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.   
Finally everyone had   gotten off except for a little old lady walking with
a  
 cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"  
 "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"  
 The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we   shot down? 

 
                                    *****************************  
 
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came
on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against
the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced,  
we'll open the   door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal." 

                                    *****************************  
 
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:  "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the  insane 
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we
hope you'll think of US  Airways." 

                                    *****************************  
 
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a 
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.
Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!"  Silence followed, and after a few
minutes,  
the captain came  back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am
so  
sorry if I  scared you earlier.  While I was talking to you, the flight
attendant brought me a
cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front
of my pants!" 

A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back  of
mine!" 

 
                                    *****************************  
 
AND my favorite that I heard myself on a Southwest Airline flight. 
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this
airplane  is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."