[Jokes] The Answer Guy!

Manic manic at sucs.swan.ac.uk
Fri Jun 22 12:28:02 BST 2001

Dear Answer Guy,
You seem to be associated with this "soft wear" thing. You see, I live in
the unimportant town of Redmond, in Washington. I wouldn't expect anybody
to have heard of it but, still, wherever I go buddies keep asking me
"how's life so close to the evil empire?" I ask them what they mean and
they start talking about some micro soft wear company but then they
continue with windows and gates... it would be OK if it was one or two
people, but everybody is like that. Please tell me why people associate
soft wear with my little town?
-William in Redmond

Dear William,
Apparently you have blinders on, so I'll fill you in. Your little town of
Redmond, WA, is the leading producer and supplier of cotton-based

Redmond Cotton, based in your town, came into the industry in the late
seventies. It had been snooping around other fabric warehouses, gathering
ideas for a product of their own. They were able to get enough money to
begin creating a short-sleeved, buttonless shirt that had logos and
phrases printed on the front. This "t-shirt," as it was called, was only
the beginning of a company that would take the industry by storm,
demonstrating both the good and bad in a fabric company.

Redmond Cotton was riding on its high horse for a while, reaping the
rewards of their venture. But then the initial design of the t-shirt began
to loose its functionality, causing the user base to weaken. They needed
something new. Observing the technology of the time, they noticed that
men's underwear, or "briefs," were beginning to include elastic around the
waste. They too decided to go with this technology, but instead of doing
it like everyone else, they developed their own elastic and applied it
their own way. This move would guarantee that noone else could use the
technology. They pushed the product with a bombardment of marketing
schemes, causing the public to go crazy with the technology. The Redmond
Cotton elastic band had become a standard. This was the edge the company
was looking for, and this was the plan that it would use for its future

Redmond Cotton began looking for new products to develop. They decided to
look at the male sexual organ protection devices, also known as "cups."
The leader in this industry, NutScrape, was already reaping great rewards
from their sales, and Redmond Cotton wanted a part of it. They lacked the
technology to develop such a device, however, and thus went to NutScrape
to ask for assistance. The terms were that NutScrape would help them with
the specifics and that Redmond Cotton would help NutScrape with making the
cup fit Redmond's briefs better. After much termoil and disagreement
(Redmond Cotton demanded that NutScrape make cups that would fit in their
briefs exclusively) a deal was finally made that would allow Redmond
Cotton to develop a cup of their own. They immediatly abandoned any deal
they had with NutScrape, including design specifications for their briefs
so that NutScrape could make a cup design for Redmond's briefs. Redmond
Cotton had a cup of their own.

Although they had the technology, Redmond Cotton could not seem to take
hold of the protective cup market. It was not long, however, until they
came up with a clever scheme: embedding the cup into the briefs. This
product, known as a "jock strap" would eliminate the need for anyone
buying these briefs to also buy a cup. This caused several lawsuits to fly
around, asking the question "is it okay for a company to do this?"
However, due to the volume of their sales, Redmond Cotton would have
seemingly bottomless pockets, and could handle any legal proceedings that
were thrown at it. Redmond Cotton began it's domination of the cottonwear
market as well as the protective cup market, and was on its way to world

Recently, the U.S. Government questioned Redmond Cotton's business
practices, saying that it was using its monopoly power to stifle
innovation and scientific advancement in the field of cottonwear
technology. The lawsuit has yet to be resolved. Redmond Cotton continues
to make new cottonwear, including its newest product, MicroWear soft
wearing clothes. This uses fine fibres of cotton for maximum comfort,
making comfort available to the beginner and veteran clothes wearers
alike. This has spurned other lawsuits. The most notable is the one by
MIT. This lawsuit claims that Redmond Cotton has taken MIT's button
design, which is available for anyone to use, and has altered it so
Redmond has its own method of securing the clothes onto the wearer.

As you can see, the business practices of Redmond Cotton have earned them
the name "Evil Empire." As for the windows and gates, I think your friends
are smoking crack.

That's all for now,



Email: manic at sucs.org


More information about the Jokes mailing list