[Jokes] FW: Truisms

[Robert Grant]

Subject: Truisms

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and just give her a house."
* Lewis Grizzard

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable
job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end
of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
* Jeff Foxworthy

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time."
* Robin Williams

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
* Marilyn Pittman

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they
should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before
they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
* Bob Ettinger

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
* Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my
fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow
learner."
* Lynda Montgomery

"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with
a riding vacuum cleaner."
* Roseanne

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said,'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
cold enough. Let's go west.'"
* Richard Jeni

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would
ben dead."
* Johnny Carson

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
* Paul Rodriguez

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and
that's the law."
* Jerry Seinfeld

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower?"
* Warren Hutcherson

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
* Oscar Wilde

"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution
yet."
* Mae West

"Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of
Congress...But I repeat myself."
* Mark Twain

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least
they can find Kuwait."
* A. Whitney Brown

"Ah, yes, divorce......., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet,"
* Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the
only time of the month that I can be myself."
* Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
* Billy Crystal

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a
look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
* Dave Barry

"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."
* George Carlin

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in
his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
* Author Unknown

Advice for the day: If you have a lot a tension and you get a headache,
do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away
from children"
* Author Unknown

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group
for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
* Drew Carey