[Jokes] FW: The 5 Stages of Drunkenness

[Chris Fry]

Thought this was quite amusing :)

> -----Original Message-----
> From:	cwarwick 
> Sent:	Thursday, August 29, 2002 3:50 PM
> To:	hcalder; bwilliams; cfry; jtassell; lfriberg; mash; 
> mhardisty; mhayward; pdrinkwater; rakhtar; rgrant; 
> sbaskerville; sdavidson; ssmith
> Subject:	The 5 Stages of Drunkenness
> 
> THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS
> Stage 1 - CLEVER 
> This is when you suddenly become an expert on everysubject in 
> the known universe. You KNOW you know everything and you 
> wantto pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At 
> this stage you are always RIGHT. And, of course, the person 
> you are talking to is very WRONG. 
> 
> This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER. 
> 
> 
> Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING 
> This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person 
> in the Entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to 
> a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really 
> want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, 
> so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun. 
> 
> 
> Stage 3 - RICH 
> This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the 
> world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have 
> an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You 
> can also make bets at this stage, because of course you are 
> still CLEVER so, naturally, you will win all your bets. It 
> doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You 
> will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you 
> are now the BEST LOOKING person in the world. 
> 
> 
> Stage 4 - BULLET-PROOF 
> You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone 
> especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. 
> This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can 
> also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and 
> challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear 
> of losing this battle, because you are CLEVER you're RICH and 
> Hell you're BETTER LOOKING than them anyway! 
> 
> 
> Stage 5 - INVISIBLE 
> This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can 
> do anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You can dance on a 
> table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of 
> the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snog the 
> face off them because the rest of the people in the room 
> cannot see you. You are also INVISIBLE to the person who 
> wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing 
> at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you 
> and because you're still CLEVER you know ALL the words. 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> THE FIVE STAGES OF HANGOVERS 
> Stage 1 - Stupid 
> As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy a flood of 
> sensations only dimly remembered from previous hangovers, 
> such as the neumatic drill headache, cloying nausea and 
> Guinness/Tetley's/Bailey's/(add tipple most consumed night 
> before). two-step, you realise that you have lost not only 
> several hours of your life but the ability to concentrate on 
> anything. You are now officially stupid and will probably 
> stay stupid until you get onto your third bacon sandwich. 
> 
> 
> Stage 2 - Ugly 
> Never entirely happy with the comic effects of the bathroom 
> mirror first thing you are horrified to discover that you 
> have now become even less attractive than you thought 
> previously possible. Not only has the combined effect of the 
> booze and smoky/sweaty atmosphere given you a glorious 
> collection of spots but you've either left your makeup on 
> over-night or are shaking so much that you now look like 
> you've shaved with a sanding block! Unfortunately you are 
> still too stupid to know better than to try and shave whilst 
> shaking or to remember the necessary beauty tips to paper 
> over the cracks. 
> 
> 
> Stage 3 - Poor 
> Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to 
> shamble out the door when you discover that the money you got 
> from the cash point stupid, you have no idea what happened to 
> it but the smell of curry on your coat/duvet leads you to 
> suspect that you may have treated an entire rugby team to 
> curry and lagers at some point. Alternatively your pocket 
> will have been picked or you will have given the taxi driver 
> a 20/50? note by mistake. Rationalising that you couldn't 
> possibly have been that stupid and that you would remember 
> being mugged, you come to believe that you were the only one 
> who bought any drinks all night and start to loathe all humanity. 
> 
> 
> Stage 4 - Made of Glass 
> As you are now a stupid, ugly and poor sociopath, you embody 
> most of the characteristics you hate in other people and your 
> self respect plummets. Your already fragile physical 
> condition is made worse by this until you think you are 
> likely to melt or shatter if handled at all roughly. 
> 
> 
> Stage 5 - Circus Freak 
> Luckily, any non-hungover person can spot this condition and 
> its cause from a great distance. Even better, they know that 
> they can complete your misery by parading you in front of 
> your colleagues/family/friends, shouting at you and insisting 
> that you drink things with whole eggs and Worcestershire 
> sauce in or eat greasy food as "its the only thing that will 
> make you feel better". You are too stupid to know where to 
> hide and too conspicuously ugly to get away with it, too poor 
> to buy Alka-Seltzer and too fragile to hit them.

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