[Jokes] pilots announcements

[Chris McKenna]

-------- Original Message --------
Subject: [TTFF] pilots announcements
From: Mills Corinne UKLG-BTM <corinne.mills at btmonline.co.uk>
To: "'ttforumfriends at yahoogroups.com'" <ttforumfriends at yahoogroups.com>

1. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you
wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold
outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." 

2. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a
ride."


3. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!" 

4. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as hell everything has shifted." 

5. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if
you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the
mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling
with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more." 

 6. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
 but
they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines." 

7. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." 

8. "Last one off the plane must clean it." (Sounds like EASYJET!!!) 

9. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of
them are on this flight." 

10. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo,
Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach,
the captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts
fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our aeroplane to the
gate!" 

11. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal." 

12. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said
that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?" 

13. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant
got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your
seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a
screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared
and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick
your way through the wreckage to the terminal." 


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]


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