[Jokes] How To Drive Your Roommate Crazy

[David 'The Raven' Chisnall]

1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats
meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding
your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the
wrappers, say you know nothing about them.

2. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is
asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every
morning.

3. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as
you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking
at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"

4. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for
your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised.
Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like THEY were here again."

5. Every time you see your roommate yell, "You jerk" and kick him/her in the
stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.

6. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been
watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her that you're
not sorry because this time, they deserved it.

7. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you
wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses.
Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.

8. Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile
them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are
coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the
consequences.

9. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about
his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate
a full report. Insist that he/she do the same.

10. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in
training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.

11. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're
going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack
everything and go to sleep.

12. Every time you wake up, yell, "Help! Where am I?!" and run around the
room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you
don't know what he/she is talking about.

13. Draw a tiny black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it
and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."

14. Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the
napkin. Throw everything else away.

15. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks,
start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room
with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant,
but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.

16. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops
out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.

17. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats
eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.

18. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look
at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."

19. Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and
tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for
several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off
all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.

20. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours
of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of
him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer."

21. If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with
a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful little..."

22. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how
they got there.

23. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one
pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

24. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room
and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate.  One
day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will,
leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh,
are you dying?"

25. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff
back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."

26. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula.
If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here somewhere."

27. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then
pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message
was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep
this up for several weeks.

28. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the
building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too,
explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.

29. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself.

Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking
backwards again.

30. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your
roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

31. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective
student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate
protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its feelings.
Watch T.V. with the pig, eating lots of bacon.

32. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it. Leave it on the floor. Ignore it. Wait
until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where is my
sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.

33. Punch a hole in the TV. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the
poor picture quality.

34. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every
day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down
underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to
return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again.

35. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one
after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others.  Wait
a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your
roommate, "He just didn't belong."

36. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and
then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick.
Continue this process for several weeks.

37. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate
asks, explain, "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring you
food and water.

38. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear
for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a
crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"

39. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that
you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.

40. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your
roommate that you hit the bull's eye.

41. Send flowers to your roommate with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It
won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers.
Repeat the process for a few weeks.

42. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often.

Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him
"Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry.  I won't
do that anymore, Murray."

43. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.

44. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows
how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the
room with concern.

45. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and
scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and
then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.

46. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone,
screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That
was your mom. She said she'd call back."

47. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and
go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can
come out now."

48. Start wearing a crown all the time. If your roommate tells you to take
it off, say, "Who do you think you are? A king?"

49. Sit in front of a chessboard for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing.
Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two
players."

50. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw
the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I
want to watch them suffer."

51. Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she
says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't
guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.

52. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play
loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the
party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while
it lasted."

53. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone
besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that
the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are
alone again, continue acting like a monkey.

54. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the
toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out the
window. Say that the toaster made you do it.

55. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he refuses, claim that you have
won by forfeit and therefore conquered his side of the room. Insist that he
remove all of his possessions immediately.

56. Sign your roommate up for various activities (campus tour guide, blood
donor, organ donor, etc.).

57. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you
are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate
accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim that he/she has
offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.

58. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet all the time. Constantly complain that
your feet hurt.

59. Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying
to kill a mosquito.

60. Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about it,
tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to
your roommate.

61. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a
hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of
light bulbs.

62. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then
stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on
the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that."

63. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside
it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week,
report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your
roommate.

64. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so.

Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your
roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!"

65. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one
that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done."

66. Read the phone book out loud excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow!

837-9494! Holy cow!")

67. Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If
your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box with you
anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her
shadow.

68. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell,
"Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing.

69. Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is
missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.

70. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your
roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says
no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say
nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.

71. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say,
"Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about it again,
immediately change the subject.

72. Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug
for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the mug
away, and quickly leave the room.

73. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your
head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, "I'll
get that pesky road runner...."

74. Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what
you did," and "Don't think you can fool me." Sign them in blood.

75. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she
protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.

76. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to
have a conversation.

77. Talk like a pirate all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the
plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck. Say "Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!" a lot.

78. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate
walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants.
Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate
suspiciously.

79. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your
roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act
like your roommate is too far away for you to see.

80. Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult with
the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that
they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking about.

81. Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your
roommate goes to take a shower.

82. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to
McDonalds, can I take your... Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat, sit, and
pout.

83. Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and
making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you
just couldn't take it anymore.

84. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate
to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the
importance of good manners.

85. Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good
luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages.  When
you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to be,
hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid horseshoe...."

86. Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the
jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate
that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it.  Confide in
your roommate that you really don't like the jack-o-lantern, but you can't
convince it to move out.

87. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing
famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light,
look around and pretend to be confused.

88. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to
basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a
month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator has been
taking steroids.

89. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you
love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain
about how much you hate lemonade.

90. Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good
old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you and your
roommate.

91. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about and
hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.

92. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you.

Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these zoos
just aren't what they used to be."

93. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going to
be an earthquake soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on
his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake
hit, but only on one side of the room.

94. Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on your forehead,
and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.

95. Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate
that the lobster is making up his own rules.

96. Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them, and
toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day.  Complain to
your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving into a self-sufficient
community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes
has been taking bribes.

97. While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can
fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your roommate
objects, explain that you are just trying to get even.

98. Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall.

99. Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training.

Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel
spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your
roommate to apologize to the camel.

100. Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're
for the sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate
is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of
the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the sandman did it, insist that you
know what the sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact,
not the sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.