[Jokes] Net Debris.... (fwd)
cmckenna at sucs.org
Wed Jul 10 20:36:53 BST 2002
This one requires that you haven't been on mars or deep in the Amazon for
the past few months.
Chris 'Awkward' McKenna
cmckenna at sucs.swan.ac.uk
awkward at gmx.co.uk
The essential things in life are seen not with the eyes,
but with the heart
Antoine de Saint Exupery
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Tue, 09 Jul 2002 08:13:48 -0700
Subject: [TTFF] Net Debris....
Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, the 10,000 remaining CEOs of public
U.S. companies made a break for it yesterday, heading for the Mexican border,
plundering towns and villages along the way, and writing the entire rampage off as a
"They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, then double-booked the revenues,"
said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces, just north of El Paso. "Right in front of my
Calling themselves the CEOnistas, the chief executives were first spotted last night
along the Rio Grande River near Quemado, where they bought each of the town's 320
residents by borrowing against pension fund gains. By late this morning, the
CEOnistas had arbitrarily inflated Quemado's population to 960,and declared a 200
percent profit for the fiscal second quarter. This morning, the outlaws bought the
city of Waco, transferred its underperforming areas to a private partnership, and
sent a bill to California for $4.5 billion.
Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse were noticeably
"First of all, they're very hard to find because they always stand behind their
numbers, and the numbers keep shifting," said posse spokesman Dean Levitt. "And every
time we yell 'Stop in the name of the shareholders!', they refer us to investor
relations. I've been on the phone all damn morning."
"YOU'LL NEVER AUDIT ME ALIVE!"
The pursuers said they have had some success, however, by preying on a common
"Last night we caught about 24 of them by disguising one of our female officers as a
CNBC anchor," said U.S. Border Patrol spokesperson Janet Lewis. "It was like moths to
Also, teams of agents have been using high-powered listening devices to scan the
plains for telltale sounds of the CEOnistas.
"Most of the time we just hear leaves rustling or cattle flicking their tails," said
Lewis, "but occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was totally out of the loop
Among former and current CEOs apprehended with this method were Computer Associates'
Sanjay Kumar, Adelphia's John Rigas, Enron's Ken Lay, Joseph Nacchio of Qwest, Joseph
Berardino of Arthur Andersen, and every Global Crossing CEO since 1997.
ImClone Systems' Sam Waksal and Dennis Kozlowski of Tyco were not allowed to join the
CEOnistas as they have already been indicted. So far, about 50 chief executives have
been captured, including Martha Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso where she
had cut through a barbed-wire fence at the Zaragosa border crossing off Highway 375.
"She would have gotten away, but she was stopping motorists to ask for marzipan and
food coloring so she could make edible snowman place settings, using the cut pieces
of wire for the arms," said Border Patrol officer Jennette Cushing.
"We put her in cell No. 7, because the morning sun really adds texture
to the stucco walls."
While some stragglers are believed to have successfully crossed into Mexico, Cushing
said the bulk of the CEOnistas have holed themselves up at the Alamo.
"No, not the fort, the car rental place at the airport," she said. "They're rotating
all the tires on the minivans and accounting for each change as a sales event."
More information about the Jokes