[Jokes] Funny Signs

[Chris McKenna]

IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes
when the light goes out.

IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs

IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly
bring it back or further steps will be taken.

IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and
stand upside down on the draining board.

ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door.
(This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)

OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing
machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned.
By order of the District Council.

NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for
more than 30 days will be disposed of.

IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.

SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car

SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it,
there is a day care on the first floor.

NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free,
but the bull charges.

MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to
get lessons.

ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door
- the bell doesn't work)

SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please
use floor below. 

Cocktail lounge, Norway:.....LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN
THE BAR.

At a Budapest zoo:.....PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY
SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY

Doctors office, Rome:.....SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco:.....THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED
HERE.

In a Nairobi restaurant:.....CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO
SEE THE MANAGER.

On an Athi River highway:.....TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER,
THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:.....ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN
HELP.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:.....DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH
WET HANDS.

In a Pumwani maternity ward:.....NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

In a cemetery:.....PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT
THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:.....GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE
OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

Hotel elevator, Paris:.....PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:.....THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB
OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:.....YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:.....TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST
METHODISTS.

A laundry in Rome:.....LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE
AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:.....TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS.
WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:.....WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR
OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:.....WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN
ALL DIRECTIONS.

--I'm not certain whether these next ones are genuine or not, but they are
still good--

Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day.

Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and
take appropriate action.

On a Maternity Room Door: "Push, Push, Push"

On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

Optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come
to the right place.

Scientist's Door: Gone Fission.

Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff.

Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels.

Butcher's window: Let me meat your needs.

Sign on electricians truck: Let us remove your shorts.

Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition.

Sign on Fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.

Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.

Hotel: "Help" We need inn - experienced people.!


-- 
Chris 'Awkward' McKenna
-----------------------
awkward at gmx.co.uk
www.sucs.org/~cmckenna
-----------------------

The best thing about democracy is that we can speak ill of it - Anon


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