[Jokes] [TTFF] A little light humour (fwd)

Chris McKenna cmckenna at sucs.org
Mon Sep 23 19:21:28 BST 2002

Chris 'Awkward' McKenna

cmckenna at sucs.swan.ac.uk
awkward at gmx.co.uk

The essential things in life are seen not with the eyes,
but with the heart

Antoine de Saint Exupery

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Sun, 22 Sep 2002 16:42:43 +0100
From: alanradley <alanradley at 0800dial.com>
Reply-To: ttforumfriends at yahoogroups.com
To: ttforumfriends at yahoogroups.com
Subject: [TTFF] A little light humour

Almost straight out of a Tommy Cooper sketch...

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought he's trying to pull a fast one .

So I said to this train driver I want to go to Paris . He said Eurostar? . I said I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin .

So I said to the Gym instructor Can you teach me to do the splits? . He said How flexible are you? . I said I can't make Tuesdays .

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray.

So I said Do you want a game of Darts? , he said OK then , I said Nearest to bull starts . He said Baa , I said Moo , he said You're closest .

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said Do you get my drift? .

So I went down the local supermarket, I said I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it , he said Those are pickled onions .

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says Your eyes sparkle like diamonds . I said Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck .

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

So this bloke says to me, Can I come in your house and talk about cleaning your carpets? . I thought That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness .

So I rang up British Telecom, I said I want to report a nuisance caller , he said Not you again .

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said You remind me of a pepper-pot , I said I'll take that as a condiment .

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought That's a turtle disaster .

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]

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