[Jokes] FW: IT Helpdesk (fwd)
jasonb at sucs.org
Wed Apr 16 14:38:44 BST 2003
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Fri, 11 Apr 2003 16:16:00 +0100
From: Jason Bees <jbees at softgels.co.uk>
To: "JasonB at sucs.org" <JasonB at sucs.org>
Subject: FW: IT Helpdesk
From: Mat Jones
Sent: 11 April 2003 15:57
To: Brett Tomlin; Chris Morgan; David Niece; David Probert; David
Shuttleworth; Dickon Oliver; Emma Williams; Jason Bees; Jonathan Smith;
Leigh Pinney; Louise Pearce; Michael Bolt; David Evans; Richard Roden;
SarahJ Maggs; Sian Williams; Tracy Davies; Yvonne Price
Subject: IT Helpdesk
Oh how true these are!!!!
When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried
under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried
flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and
we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from
our video recording.
When an IT person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way
you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to
remember 300 screen saver passwords.
When IT Support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at
once. We're just testing.
When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill
your problems right out. We don't even like eating food, we exist only to
Send urgent e-mail all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and
flags it as a rush delivery.
When we do something as a favour in our own time at our own expense, feel
free to criticise us.
That's OK, we don't expect you to lift anything or get under your desk.
Manual labour was part of our IT degree.
When the photocopier doesn't work, call Computer Support. There's
electronics in it.
When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home,call Computer Support.
We can fix your telephone line from here.
When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IT person's chair
with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love
When an IT person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges
in them, argue. We love a good argument.
When an IT person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in
scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?"
That motivates us.
When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print
jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. When the printer still won't
print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One
of them is bound to work.
Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what
is meant by "my thingy blew up".
When you call someone in to fix a problem - but don't tell them about the
other 10 problems until they physically arrive. That's OK - we can clear
our schedule for the rest of the day.
Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
When your application can't do what you want... blame us, we write all
the software that runs on your PC and can customise it on the fly. Bill
Gates lets us do this.
Remember the IT guy doesn't need to think - he has seen every problem
If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your
dog,lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were
designed to have 20 kg of computer sitting on top of them.
If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the
mail/NT/network upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a
pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
When you find an IT person on the phone, sit uninvited on the corner of
their desk and stare at them until they hang up.
Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that
computer crap." We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional
expertise referred to as crap.
When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call IT
Support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and
Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional
engineer with a Master's degree in nuclear physics.
When you think the network/e-mail/office application is going slow,call
us as we have a button to press that makes it go back to it's normal
When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to
call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third
party who doesn't know about the problem.
The instant you call us (on our mobile) - we can see what's happening on
your screen and can solve it instantaneously.
Be aware that IT people don't need to use the toilet. So you have a right
to be upset if we don't answer the phone.
When you receive a 30MB movie file, send it to everyone as a mail
attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.
When an IT person gets in the lift pushing ?100,000 worth of computer
equipment on a trolley, ask in a very loud voice, "Good grief, you take
the lift to go DOWN one floor?"
And finally, always remember.... we were sitting there waiting for your
call.. The whole day!!!
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