[Jokes] If linux were a car

[pklong at btinternet.com]

> If Linux was a car...Sense of Humor required!
>
> M:Hey Pete, Can you help me put a radio in my Debian?
> P:You're an Idiot, RTFM!
> M:I need more help than that.
> P:You're an idiot!  I did a google search.  It's in
> the page referenced by the footnote in the 37th hit.
> If I could find it, so can you.
> GS:(good samaritan) You need to rebuild the engine
> to add a radio.
> M:Rebuild the engine?
> P:You're an idiot!
> GS:There's a howto.  It's written for a "Hat", but
> it's mostly correct except that engine is in the
> rear.  It's translated from German, but they
> did a pretty good job.  It'll tell you to hook
> the radio to the red and black wires, but since
> you've got a Debian, there won't be any red and
> black wires.  And you still need to write the
> radio driver.
> Don't forget to regrind the camshaft.
> If you don't, you'll get an error message that
> you don't have permission to change the
> tire pressure, but it's the camshaft.
> You'll need a lot of tools, but you can get them
> for free.  Most of them come with instructions...
> about 900 pages in all.  Read 'em all carefully
> and understand 'em before you start.
> Should be able to figure it all out in a couple of
> months.
> M:Hey Pete, Granny took the Debian to the BINGO game.
> Can I borrow your Drake to go pick up the engine rebuild
> tools?
> P:Sure, come on over.
> M:Hey, this Drake doesn't have any doors.
> P:Pretty good security huh?
> Put your hand here, stand on your left foot and say
> rumplestiltskin three times.
> Trunk pops open.
> P:Your other left foot!  IDIOT!!
> Passenger compartment opens.
> P:Now why couldn't you figure that out for yourself?
> M:Ok, so far, so good. Where's the brake pedal?
> P:This Drake is really configurable, so I customized it.
> Take the blue square handle and stick it in the red round
> hole.
> M:Why not stick the blue square handle in the blue square
> hole?
> P:What's the use of having a configurable system if
> you don't configure it?  I like red and round; deal with it.
>
> MUCH LATER...
>
> M:Hey Pete, I didn't get all the stuff I needed to rebuild
> my engine.  Can I borrow your Drake again?
> P:What happened to your Debian?
> M:It's really funny.  Granny locked her boot disk in the trunk.
> Some English guy at the BINGO game had an emergency
> key and tried to get into the boot.
> It wasn't compatible and the engine fell out.
> Granny wants me to come fix it, but if I do that, she'll never
> learn to do it.  She's been driving for over 60 years and still
> can't rebuild her engine in the field.  It's time she learned.
> I told her to RTFM and hung up.
> P:LOL, good for you.  The wife has the Drake, but you can borrow
> the Hat.
> M:This is different.  Where's the steering wheel?
> P:That dashboard was really using a lot of gas.  This has
> what is called a CLI.  Just type CTRL-L to go left and CTRL-R
> to go right.
> M:What about the gas and brakes?
> P:That's all combined into a single speed number.
> Just type ps | grep speed.  The headings are in Klingon, but
> the third number is the one you want.  Just divide by the speed
> of light to get meters/second.  You'll have to parse it out,
> calculate the new speed and use the nice function to change
> the priority of the process. That changes the speed.
> If you had just read the manpage, I wouldn't have had
> to tell you all that.
> M:Which manpage?....never mind...
> What if I need to stop in a hurry?
> P:Gotcha covered.  There's a script for panic stops.
> Just type PanicStop-3.8.63278665-HAT when=now.
> It will ask you for a password.
> Enter the password and hang on cause you're gonna stop real quick.
> I'm really proud of the deceleration optimization routine.
> Be careful typing, it's case sensitive.
> If it gives you a cryptic error message and doesn't stop, it's probably
> because you forgot to add yourself to the brakes group.
> It's all in the manpage.
> M:Which manpage?....never mind...
>
> Much, much later.
>
> M:I wish I hadn't sold my Gates.  At least I could drive it to town
> and pick up Granny....
> P:You're an idiot!.....