[Jokes] If Microsoft made Toasters...

Simon Purdy S.Purdy at bigwig.net
Tue Mar 11 16:31:00 GMT 2003

If SAP made toasters .... 
The manual to run the toaster would be approximately 10,000 pages long. The
toaster would come with 2,500 switches which would all have to be set in an
exact pattern and in a precise sequence in order to toast specific kinds of
bread. Each pattern would be established by SAP's experts as the "Best
Practices" method of toasting that kind of bread. It would take a team of 
basis and functional contractors about 1 year to configure the toaster in
the best manner and then another 6 months to test it. In the meantime, your
entire family would need to attend extensive training classes on how to use
the new toaster. In order to support end users and consultants, MIT would
establish a list-serv for people to post questions and answers regarding 
toaster set-up and peration. Of course, the online help would randomly pop
up in German. But once it was running (if ever!...), you'd get the best
toast in the world! 

If IBM made toasters ... 
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for
overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six

If Xerox made toasters ... 
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get
lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you. 

If Oracle made toasters ... 
They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of
bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in
development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed
the whole appliance was just blowing smoke. 

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters ... 
They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you
regular bread. 

If Sony made toasters ... 
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it
is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt. 

If Apple made toasters ... 
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier. 

If Linux made toasters... 
Anyone could build his own toaster from the spare parts in the garage, but
people would still pay money for pre-built toasters. All the parts would be
user serviceable, and the design plans would be freely downloadable. Instead
of the complexity of having to push a button, you would simply Type
something like "toast-lightness=Úrk-bread-type=brown". The toaster would 
burn your toast by default, but once you enable the "don't-burn-my-toast"
feature in "toaster.conf" (as described in the TOASTER-RTFM-HOWTO) it would
toast reliably for years. People who eat Linux toast say that it is better
than Windows toast. ... And Microsoft would tell everyone that Linux Toast
causes cancer... 

And, of course: If Microsoft made toasters ... 
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You
wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it
anyway. Toaster '95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced
steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up
95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that
lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would 
secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them.
Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them Since
most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

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