[Jokes] stella awards

[Tim Jenkins]

It's time, once again, to consider the candidates for the annual Stella
Awards.
The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee
on
herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case  inspired the Stella
Awards
for the most frivolous successful lawsuits ONLY in the United States. The
following are this year's candidates:

1. Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of
her
peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running
inside a
furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at
the
verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's
son.
2. A 19-year-old, Carl Truman of Los Angeles, won $74,000 and medical
expenses
when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman
apparently
didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the  car when he was
trying to
steal his neighbor's hub caps.
3. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had
just
finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the  garage
door
to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't
re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and  garage
locked when
he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and  Mr. Dickson found
himself
locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted  on a case of Pepsi he
found,
and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued  the homeowner's insurance
claiming the
situation caused him undue mental  anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of
$500,000.
4. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and
medical
expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door  neighbor's
beagle.
The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced  yard.The award was less
than
sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little
provoked at
the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
5. A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster,
Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and  broke her
coccyx
(tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it
at
her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an  argument.
6. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a 
night
club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the
floor
and knocked out her two front teeth.This occurred while Ms. Walton was
trying to
sneak through the window in the ladies room to  avoid paying the $3.50
cover
charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental  expenses.
7. This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma 
City,
Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebagomotor home.
On
his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise
control
at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make
himself
a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and
overturned. Mr. Grazinski suedWinnebago for not advising him in the
owner's
manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000
plus a
new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of
this
suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their
recreation
vehicles.


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