[Jokes] Fw: Before you have children (fwd)

[Steve Hill]

> Follow these simple lessons before you decide to have children...
>
>
> Lesson 1
> Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their
> head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper. Read it for the last time.
>
>
> Lesson 2
> Before you go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are
> parents and berate them about:
> 1) Their methods of discipline.
> 2) Their lack of patience.
> 3) Their appallingly low tolerance levels.
> 4) Their practice of allowing their children to run wild.
>
> Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits,
> toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.  Enjoy it.
> It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
>
>
> Lesson 3
> To discover how the nights will feel ...
> 1) Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag of
> old lentil soup weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio
> tuned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
> 2) At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
> 3) Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
> 4) Set the alarm for 3am.
> 5) As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink.
> 6) Go to bed at 2.45am.
> 7) Sing songs in the dark until 4 am.
> 8) Get up. Make breakfast.
>
> Keep this up for 5 years.  Look cheerful.
>
>
>
> Lesson 4
> Dressing small children is not as easy at it seems.
> 1) Buy a live octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
> 2) Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang
out.
>
> Time allowed for this - all morning.
>
>
>
> Lesson 5
> Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5-door saloon. And don't think
> that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining.
> Family cars don't look like that.
> 1) Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
> Leave it there.
> 2) Get a coin. Insert it in the cassette player.
> 3) Take a family size package of chocolate biscuits, mash them into
> the back seat.
> 4) Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There.... perfect!
>
>
>
> Lesson 6
> Get ready to go out.
> 1) Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour.
> 2) Go out the front door.
> 3) Come in again.
> 4) Go out.
> 5) Come back in.
> 6) Go out again.
> 7) Walk down the front path/driveway.
> 8) Walk back up it.
> 9) Walk down it again.
> 10) Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
> 11) Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every
> piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
> 12) Retrace your steps.
> 13) Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the
> neighbours come out and stare at you.
> 14) Give up and go back into the house.
>
> You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
>
>
>
> Lesson 7
> Repeat everything at least, if not more than, 100 times.
>
>
>
> Lesson 8
> Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can
> find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is excellent). If you
> intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
>
> Buy your week's groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
> Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
> Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having
> children.
>
>
>
> Lesson 9
> 1) Hollow out a melon.
> 2) Make a small hole in the side.
> 3) Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
> 4) Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the
> swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
> 5) Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
> 6) Tip half of the remainder into your lap.  The other half just throw
> up in the air.
>
> You are now ready to feed a 12 month old baby.
>
>
>
> Lesson 10
> Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney,
> Teletubbies and Disney.
> Watch nothing else on TV for at least five years.
>
>
>
> Lesson 11
> Move to the tropics. Find or make a compost heap. Dig down about
> halfway in and stick your nose in it.
> Do this 3-5 times a day for two years. Get used to it.
>
>
>
> Lesson 12
> Make a recording of Janet Street-Porter shouting "Mummy" repeatedly.
> (Important: No more than a four second delay between each "Mummy" -
> occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).
> Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next four years.
>
> You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
>
>
>
> Lesson 13
> Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continuously
> tug on your skirt hem/shirt sleeve/elbow while playing the "Mummy" tape
> made from Lesson 14 above.
> You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a
> child in the room.
>
>
>
> Lesson 14
> Put on your finest work attire.  Pick a day in which you have an important
> meeting.
> 1) Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in it.
> 2) Stir.
> 3) Dump half of it on your nice shirt.  Also, saturate a towel with
> this mixture.
> 4) Attempt to wipe it off your shirt with the saturated towel.
> 5) Do NOT change.  You have no time.
> 6) Go directly to work.
>
>
>
> Lesson 15
> Go for a drive, but first....
> 1) Find one large tomcat and six pit bulls.
> 2) Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.
> 3) Put the pit bulls in the front seat of your car.
> 4) While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the
> child seat.
>
> For the really adventurous.... Run some errands, remove and replace the
> cat at each stop.
> You are now ready to have kids!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>