[Jokes] Monday funnies! (fwd)

[Chris McKenna]

some of these are familiar but they still made my chuckle.

Chris

-- 
Chris 'Awkward' McKenna

cmckenna at sucs.org
www.sucs.org/~cmckenna


The essential things in life are seen not with the eyes,
but with the heart

Antoine de Saint Exupery


---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Mon, 13 Oct 2003 13:45:04 +0200
From: Sonia Hill
Subject: [TTFF] Monday funnies!

Notices posted on church bulletin boards. 

Don't let worry kill you - let the church help. 

Thursday night - Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. 

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 

Wednesday the Ladies' Liturgy Group will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing, "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor. 

Thursday at 5:00 PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study. 

The service will close with, "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. 

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so. 

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. 

Signs written in English that were found posted in foreign countries. 

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up. 

>From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. 

A modestly priced Tokyo hotel: Hotel guests are requested not to steal towels from their rooms. If you are the kind of person who would not do such a thing, please do not read this message. 

>From a Yugoslavian elevator: Let us know about an unficiency as well as leaking on the service. Our utmost will improve it. 

>From Budapest: All rooms not denounced by twelve o'clock will be paid for twicely. 

>From a restaurant in Vienna: Fried milk, children sandwiches, roast cattle and boiled sheep. 

On a Soviet ship in the Black Sea: Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! Associate the stringing apparata about the bosoms and meet behind. Flee then to the indifferent lifesavering shippen obediencing the instructs of the vessel chef." 

On a medicine bottle: Adults: 1 tablet 3 times a day until passing away" 

This is a blurb from a chocolate bar wrapper: Soft and mild, like a Japanese woman. Good flavor and full of juice. 

>From France: A sports jacket may be worn to dinner, but no trousers. The menu also described an egg as "an extract of fowl, peached or sunside up. 

>From Singapore: Sir Loin steak with potato cheeps. 

>From Macao: Utmost of chicken fried in bother. 

In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers. 

In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter. 

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right. 

In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin. 

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life. 

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop - Drive Sideways 

Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summer suit. Because is big rush, we will execute customers in strict rotation. 

Portuguese patent agent: 'It will not be necessary to state the name and address of the inventor if the applicant is not himself.' 

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis. 

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. 

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up. 

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. 

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. 

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily. 

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. 

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. 

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. 

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. 

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. 

On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. 

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. 

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results. 

Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking. 

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. 

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other or that purpose. 

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. 

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. 

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. 

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages. 

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? 

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream. 

In a Bangkok bar: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. 

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. 

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. 

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. 

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. 

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. 

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. 

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. 

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run. 

>From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. 

>From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.