[Jokes] OT: 213 things Skippy is not allowed to do.

[Clare McKenna]

 Once upon a time, there was a SPC Schwarz stationed
> with the Army in the
> Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very
> bored; but probably
> both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about
> 213 things he wasn't
> allowed to do. He collected those things into a
> hillarious list and posted
> them to the web. The site hadn't been updated in a
> couple of years and has
> since gone away; but the list is classic, so I saved
> it.
> 
>     1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm
> supposed to be working.
> 
>     2. My proper military title is 'Specialist
> Schwarz' not 'Princess
> Anastasia'.
> 
>     3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black
> magic.
> 
>     4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief
> of black magic by asking
> for hair.
> 
>     5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
> 
>     6. Not allowed to play 'Pulp Fiction' with a
> suction-cup dart pistol and
> any officer.
> 
>     7. Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the
> prophesy' to the end of
> answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
> 
>     8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I
> don't like to War Criminal
> posters.
> 
>     9. Not allowed to title any product 'Get Over
> it'.
> 
>    10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on
> Government time.
> 
>    11. Not allowed to join the communist party.
> 
>    12. Not allowed to join any militia.
> 
>    13. Not allowed to form any militia.
> 
>    14. Not allowed out of my office when the
> president visited Sarajevo.
> 
>    15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to
> 'Sic Brass!'
> 
>    16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my
> 'Sampson like powers'.
> 
>    17. God may not contradict any of my orders.
> 
>    18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous
> 'Barbie Girl Dance' while on
> duty.
> 
>    19. May not call any officers immoral,
> untrustworthy, lying, slime, even
> if I'm right.
> 
>    20. Must not taunt the French any more.
> 
>    21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.
> 
>    22. Must never call an SAS a 'Wanker'.
> 
>    23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if
> they've been smoking crack.
> 
>    24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter
> than they are, especially
> if it's true.
> 
>    25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French
> one.
> 
>    26. Never tell a German soldier that 'We kicked
> your ass in World War 2!'
> 
>    27. Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the
> paras (British
> Airborne).
> 
>    28. Don't take the batteries out of the other
> soldiers alarm clocks (Even
> if they do hit snooze about forty times).
> 
>    29. The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky
> charms'.
> 
>    30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned
> Officer by repeatedly banging
> on the head with a bag of trash.
> 
>    31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take
> responsibility for any of my
> actions.
> 
>    32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command
> of my post.
> 
>    33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless
> I brought enough for
> everybody.
> 
>    34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at
> formation even if I *did* bring
> enough for everybody.
> 
>    35. Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by
> Megadeth during airborne
> operations. ('See the earth below/Soon to make a
> crater/Blue sky, black
> death, I'm off to meet my maker')
> 
>    36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in.
> (The Spanish-American War
> isn't over).
> 
>    37. Our medic is called 'Sgt Larwasa', not 'Dr.
> Feelgood'.
> 
>    38. Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt Watkins' not 'Sugar
> Daddy'.
> 
>    39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to
> religious purposes, on the
> basis that the world is going to end, more than
> once.
> 
>    40. I do not have super-powers.
> 
>    41. 'Keep on Trucking' is *not* a psychological
> warfare message.
> 
>    42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's
> baser instincts in
> recruitment posters.
> 
>    43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
> 
>    44. I am not the atheist chaplain.
> 
>    45. I am not allowed to 'Go to Bragg boulevard
> and shake daddies little
> money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies'.
> 
>    46. I am not authorized to fire officers.
> 
>    47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other,
> forty-nine, lesser
> states.
> 
>    48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool
> to demonstrate a flaw
> in a
> command decision.
> 
>    49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for
> 'magic beans'.
> 
>    50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty
> hours.
> 
>    51. Not allowed to quote 'Dr Seuss' on military
> operations.
> 
>    52. Not allowed to yell 'Take that Cobra' at the
> rifle range.
> 
>    53. Not allowed to quote 'Full Metal Jacket ' at
> the rifle range.
> 
>    54. 'Napalm sticks to kids' is *not* a
> motivational phrase.
> 
>    55. An order to 'Put Kiwi on my boots' does *not*
> involve fruit.
> 
>    56. An order to 'Make my Boots black and shiny'
> does not involve
> electrical tape.
> 
>    57. The proper response to a lawful order is not
> 'Why?'
> 
>    58. The following words and phrases may not be
> used in a cadence- Budding
> sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this
> formation and wish they were
> dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all
> Marines are latent
> homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean
> hooker, Eskimo Nell,
> we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any
> references to squid.
> 
>    59. May not make posters depicting the leadership
> failings of my chain of
> command.
> 
>    60. 'The Giant Space Ants' are not at the top of
> my chain of command.
> 
>    61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his
> uniform, and I have an E-4 on
> mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean 'I
> have been promoted three
> more times than you'.
> 
>    62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask
> permission, no longer
> applies to Specialist Schwarz.
> 
>    63. Command decisions do *not* need to be
> ratified by a 2/3 majority.
> 
>    64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to
> BAQ or Separation pay.
> 
>    65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
> 
>    66. There is no 'Anti-Mime' campaign in Bosnia.
> 
>    67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.
> 
>    68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to
> 'Block out the space mind
> control lasers'.
> 
>    69. May not pretend to be a facist stormtrooper,
> while on duty.
> 
>    70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of
> medication.
> 
>    71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my
> chain of command.
> 
>    72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.
> 
>    73. No military functions are to be performed
> 'Skyclad'.
> 
>    74. Woad is not camouflage makeup.
> 
>    75. May not conduct psychological experiments on
> my chain of command.
> 
>    76. "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is
> *not* a cadence.
> 
>    77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial
> Stormtrooper roadblock, so I
> should not tell them "You don't need to see my
> identification, these are not
> the droids you are looking for."
> 
>    78. I may not call block my chain of command.
> 
>    79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.
> 
>    80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army
> functions.
> 
>    81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion
> formal dance.
> 
>    82. May not form any press gangs.
> 
>    83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report)
> with "I recently had an
> experience I just had to write you about...."
> 
>    84. Must not use military vehicles to 'Squish'
> things.
> 
>    85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare
> products depicting the
> infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.
> 
>    86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of
> command to the 'field of
> honor'.
> 
>    87. If the thought of something makes me giggle
> for longer than 15
> seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do
> it.
> 
>    88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as 'Mom'.
> 
>    89. Must not refer to the Commander as 'Dad'.
> 
>    90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be
> displayed during a room
> inspection.
> 
>    91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.
> 
>    92. When asked to give a few words at a military
> ceremony 'Romper Bomper
> Stomper Boo' is probably not appropriate.
> 
>    93. Nerve gas is not funny.
> 
>    94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I
> should not test that.
> 
>    95. I am not in need of a more suitable host
> body.
> 
>    96. 'Redneck Zombies' is not a military training
> aid.
> 
>    97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.
> 
>    98. The proper response to a chemical weapon
> attack is not 'Tell my chain
> of command what I really think about them, and then
> poke holes in their
> masks.'
> 
>    99. A smiley face is not used to mark a
> minefield.
> 
>   100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy
> candy, and it is wrong to
> tell new soldiers that they are.
> 
>   101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a
> crew-served weapon.
> 
>   102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full
> military honors, even if
> they are "casualties of war".
> 
>   103. My commander is not old enough to have fought
> in the civil war, and I
> should stop implying that he did.
> 
>   104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a 'Cool Mint'
> Listerine® bottle
> is not
> a good combination.
> 
>   105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of
> anyone under twelve.
> 
>   106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the
> following: Cigarettes, booze,
> sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored
> vehicles, small children, or
> bootleg CD's.
> 
>   107. Must not mock command decisions in front of
> the press.
> 
>   108. Should not taunt members of the press, even
> if they are really fat,
> exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.
> 
>   109. I am not authorized to change national policy
> in Eastern Europe.
> 
>   110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret
> officer about anything.
> 
>   111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German,
> Polish, or Russian
> Armored vehicles.
> 
>   112. When saluting a 'leg' officer, an appropriate
> greeting is not
> "Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir".
> 
>   113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the
> people from 'Full Monty'
> every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".
> 
>   114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.
> 
>   115. I should not speculate on the penis size of
> anyone who outranks me.
> 
>   116. Crucifying mice - bad idea.
> 
>   117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg
> pornography.
> 
>   118. Burn pits for classified material are not
> revel fires - therefore it
> is wrong to dance naked around them.
> 
>   119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.
> 
>   120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place
> to unveil my newest off
> color joke.
> 
>   121. I should not use government resources to
> 'waterproof' dirty
> magazines.
> 
>   122. Radioactive material should not be stored in
> the barracks.
> 
>   123. I should not teach other soldiers to say
> offensive and crude
> things in
> Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to
> say potentially useful
> phrases.
> 
>   124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
> 
>   125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of
> drinks.
> 
>   126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can
> be as large as I like.
> 
>   127. 'No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages' does not
> imply that a Jack
> Daniel
> 's ® IV is acceptable.
> 
>   128. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.
> 
>   129. The Microsoft ® 'Dancing Paperclip' is not
> authorized to countermand
> any orders.
> 
>   130. 'I'm drunk' is a bad answer to any question
> posed by my commander.
> 
>   131. No dancing in the turret. This especially
> applies in conjunction with
> rule #113.
> 
>   132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to
> voice my ideas.
> 
>   133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to
> replace the radio.
> 
>   134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to
> broadcast the soundtrack
> to a porno movie.
> 
>   135. An order to put polish on my boots means the
> whole boot.
> 
>   136. Shouting 'Let's do the village! Let's do the
> whole fucking village!'
> while out on a mission is bad.
> 
>   137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing
> part of a Russian
> uniform, messily drunk.
> 
>   138. Even if my commander did it.
> 
>   139. Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE"
> bombs.
> 
>   140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.
> 
>   141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove
> 'The Pen is Mightier than
> the sword'.
> 
>   142. 'Calvin-Ball' is not authorized PT.
> 
>   143. I do not need to keep a 'range card' by my
> window.
> 
>   144. 'K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free'
> is not an authorized
> uniform.
> 
>   145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food
> coloring before a urine
> test.
> 
>   146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food
> coloring, and scream
> during the same.
> 
>   147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks
> and Coke ®.
> 
>   148. Putting red 'Mike and Ike's' ® into a
> prescription medicine bottle,
> and then eating them all in a formation is not
> funny.
> 
>   149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist
> they be filled out.
> 
>   150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered
> a legal tackle.
> 
>   151. The proper way to report to my Commander is
> 'Specialist Schwarz,
> reporting as ordered, Sir' not 'You can't prove a
> thing!'
> 
>   152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the
> Drop Zone, A box of
> grid
> squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy
> lights, or Chem-Light ®
> batteries.
> 
>   153. I should not assign new privates to 'guard
> the flight line'.
> 
>   154. Shouldn't treat 'piss-bottles' with
> extra-strength icy hot.
> 
>   155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other
> soldiers is not nice.
> 
>   156. I will no longer perform 'lap-dances' while
> in uniform.
> 
>   157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of
> the lap-dance, it still
> counts.
> 
>   158. The revolution is not now.
> 
>   159. When detained by MP's, I do not have a right
> to a strip search.
> 
>   160. No part of the military uniform is edible.
> 
>   161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good
> idea.
> 
>   162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the
> chain of command.
> 
>   163. Take that hat off.
> 
>   164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.
> 
>   165. I do not get 'that time of month'.
> 
>   166. No, the pants are not optional.
> 
>   167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the
> barracks.
> 
>   168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.
> 
>   169. Not even if they *are* 'especially patriotic
> films'
> 
>   170. Not allowed to 'defect' to OPFOR during
> training missions.
> 
>   171. On training missions, try not to shoot down
> the General's helicopter.
> 
>   172. 'A full magazine and some privacy' is not the
> way to help a potential
> suicide.
> 
>   173. I am not allowed to create new levels of
> security clearance.
> 
>   174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas.
> (I swear to the gods, I
> did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).
> 
>   175. We do not 'charge into battle, naked, like
> the Celts'.
> 
>   176. Any device that can crawl across the table on
> medium, does not
> need to
> be brought into the office.
> 
>   177. I am not to refer to a formation as 'the boxy
> rectangle thingie'.
> 
>   178. I am not 'A lesbian trapped in a man's body'.
> 
>   179. On Army documents, my race is not 'Other'.
> 
>   180. Nor is it 'Secretariat, in the third'.
> 
>   181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.
> 
>   182. There is no FM for 'wall-to-wall counseling'.
> 
>   183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor
> the inclination to hear
> about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®
> 
>   184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not*
> attempt something
> 'I saw
> in a cartoon'.
> 
>   185. My name is not a killing word.
> 
>   186. I am not the Emperor of anything.
> 
>   187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of
> nicotine withdrawal, with
> cigarettes.
> 
>   188. May not challenge officers to 'Meet me on the
> field of honor, at
> dawn'.
> 
>   189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They
> will always do it.
> 
>   190. Must not make s'mores while on guard duty.
> 
>   191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant
> battle-robot.
> 
>   192. The proper response to a briefing is not
> 'That's what you think'.
> 
>   193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our
> chain of command.
> 
>   194. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my
> chain of command.
> 
>   195. Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create
> incriminating photos of my chain
> of command.
> 
>   196. I am not allowed to give tattoos.
> 
>   197. I am not allowed to sing 'Henry the VIII I
> am' until verse 68 ever
> again.
> 
>   198. Not allowed to lead a 'Coup' during training
> missions.
> 
>   199. I should not confess to crimes that took
> place before I was born.
> 
>   200. My chain of command is not interested in why
> I 'just happen' to
> have a
> kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands
> in the back of my car.
> 
>   201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand
> grenades to save the
> squad.
> 
>   202. Despite the confusing similarity in the
> names, the "Safety Dance" and
> the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.
> 
>   203. 'To conquer the earth with an army of flying
> monkeys" is a bad long
> term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.
> 
>   204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put
> it up in front of the
> Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter
> Desecration."
> 
>   205. Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS.
> ("Broken clutch pedal",
> "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs",
> "flux capacitor emits loud
> whine when engaged")
> 
>   206. Not allowed to get shot.
> 
>   207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal
> lubricant. (Skippy
> wanted
> this noted for the record that this is not something
> he has ever attempted
> or considered! It was something we heard at dinner
> on 22 September 2001 and
> it was just so obscene it had to go here.)
> 
>   208. Not allowed to play into the deluded
> fantasies of the civlians
> who are
> "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and
> KGB due to the microchip
> the aliens implanted in their brain.
> 
>   209. An airsickness bag is to be used for
> airsickness *only*. (Also not a
> Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.)
> 
>   210. Must not make T-shirts up depciting a pig
> with the writing "Eat Pork
> or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when
> preparing to deploy to a
> primarily Muslim country.
> 
>   211. Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of
> Blackhawk Down.
> 
>   212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years
> that require a security
> clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells
> me repeatedly that I
> have one and I have no reason to question them.
> 
>   213. Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps
> are the result of
> microscopic parasites.
> 
> Posted by SGT Shawn Stanford at April 16, 2003 01:13
> PM
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
>
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