[Jokes] FW: [TTFF] posted on a tekkie forum jokes page

McKenna, Chris (RDSSW) chris.mckenna at defra.gsi.gov.uk
Wed Jan 21 14:09:36 GMT 2004

-----Original Message-----
Subject: posted on a tekkie forum jokes page

Wouldn't you love to have this attendant on your next flight? Thanks
to a retired Delta
Captain for sending this "paraphrase" of a memorable safety PA from
Alaska Air Flight Attendants. It is supposedly true.

In his own words....

"I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend, and the
flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the
whole plane looking at each other like "what the heck?"
(Getting people to look at each other is an

So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up
what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few
parts I'm sure, but this is most of it."

Before takeoff:

"Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If
you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're
not going to San Francisco,
you're about to have a really long evening.

We'd like to tell you now about some important safety
features of this aircraft. The most important safety
feature we have aboard this plane is ... The Flight
Attendants. Please look at one now.

There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over
the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're
seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your
bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please
take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit.
Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the
event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be
glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor
that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones
along the normal rows,and pretty red ones at the exit
rows. In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy
things will drop down over your head. You stick it over
your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now.
The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, I promise. If you
are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting
like a small child, please do us all a favourand put on your
mask first. If you are travellingwith two or more children,
please take a moment now to decide which one is your
favourite. Help that one "first", and then work your way

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the
safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan
when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very
good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out
and play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are
fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the
belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's
a pulley thing ---- not a pushy thing like your car because
you're in an airplane. HELLO!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is
also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming
from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put
you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two
smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit.
We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight .....Hold
on, let me check what it is ... Oh here it is; the movie
tonight is... "Gone with the Wind."

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's
going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of
the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press
the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading
light. Please don't press the orange button unless you
absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection

We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank
you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business
and your money. If there'sanything we can do to make you
more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.

If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a
standing ovation, wouldn't you?"

After landing...

"Welcome to the San FranciscoInternationalAirport. Sorry about the
bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the
co-pilot's fault. It's the asphalt.

Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate.
At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the
gate. So please don't even try.

Please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift

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